Bamavenue._

momentary happiness.

2012-02-11T16:54:00.003+08:00

"the world is your oyster."

just a way of living in my own world.

(:

Life, as we know it.

2012-02-11T03:26:00.002+08:00

"i feel like i'm trapped..."

2012-02-11T02:54:00.008+08:00

11th February 2012, 3.10am

Often, we sleep our troubles away. The more we do it, the more it kills us on the inside. Sleeping is like as if we're dead, we're paralyzed and little that we know for every time we sleep it all away there is a hidden message of "i don't wana live", kinda like suicide but no.

People won't always get what we tell them of what we had in our minds. For every judgement we take, we feel we're the feeblest being on earth & so they say, "ignorance is bliss".

We always had our chance to live up to reality, to cope up but we're not giving ourselves a break from our fears and let what we wana achieve drown in ourselves. So much of being scared, i feel like living in the dark all my life.

p/s: the drawing is a vague memory of a picture i've seen somewhere. I woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible headache sketching it all away, and somehow, i feel okay.

"what are you waiting for?"

"i don't know. Something amazing, i guess."

"...sleeping as if we're dead"

2012-02-09T03:38:00.005+08:00

09th February 2012, 3.38am

I was about to go to sleep but as usual, i had a thought.

"why does life consists of waiting?"

An understanding to a disappointment after crashing down from mountains of expectation?

Ask yourself.

We are always blinded by the saying "good things come to those who wait", therefore, we told ourselves to be patient just to wait for something to happen. So, we wait just because we believe that something is going to happen but NOT what it teaches us? Even if we don't live by that saying, then, we are already putting ourselves to an awkward position living the life of an ending.

by "an ending" i mean, we closed our eyes, minds & hearts that everything is the same & there's no fucking thing such as happiness. We are dead on the inside and yet, we remain living... BUT with a fucking silent message to those who can tell that you wanted to be saved.

We are so dead that even the brightest of lights can't save us. We build a fortress, an empire, a kingdom to protect ourselves from what we have yet to know... and it all comes back to one word, "why?"

We can always put a smile on our faces but we're dying on the inside.

It makes me sad when i think about it. Every disappointment tells a tale.

It teaches us to open our eyes to differentiate between wants & needs.

before i end this, i'll leave you with a thought to argue with yourself...

Never chase something that you want and turn it to what you need 'coz 'wants' is everywhere and 'needs' lives in your heart.

p/s: if we can actually find the common denominator within each other, can we all get along and live in peace?

self-discovery

2012-01-09T21:38:00.015+08:00

one of the new year's resolution is to know more about myself, therefore, i'm on a journey of self-discovery.

saw this quote that says,

"love yourself before loving others"

how true.

-----------------

[edited]

26th January 2012, 8.30pm

*talking to myself*

me 'not-in-a-nutshell or almost',

when i was a kid, i was taught to be patient whether if i am right or wrong, don't make it a big deal but to give in to your patience.

'patience' is the seed, my understanding is the roots, & as it grows, the trunk resembles how hard i stand strong to what i believe in & the branches scattered spreading out are my perspectives & last but not least, the leaves are my experience.

for who we are as a kid, we never really did grow up but we learned how to act our age. Society's point of view is that we are to follow the mainstream idea of being accepted. for instance, if you don't mingle, you'll be left alone. that odd of being noticed is 2 - 3 out of 10, perhaps? i'm not saying we should get fucked up & let's be a retarded young-adult. No. what i mean is why let the kid inside of us die as we grow up? Meh, this is a sensitive topic.

i always wonder why i put someone else's presence first instead of me, like if they are sad, i'll be sad too. That is a natural reflex. Unless, you're an ignorant monster who doesn't have feelings. I'd offer my help if they want to or just you know wasting time just to keep the mind off track for a bit. I never demand something in return 'coz i know what it feels like to be on your own with no one else there for you. Unfortunately, i am always the one who got tangled in thoughts trying to solve my own problems & i refuse help unless i can't take it anymore.

upon growing up, i learned how to appreciate the hard way. It really changed me a lot to who i am today. It opened up my eyes what it's like to be taken for granted & what "what goes around comes around" is all about. To be honest, the fear of it never leave me. It's been 6 years. fuck. that long?

one thing that i noticed is most people who are quiet is really patient & a bit bitter, i see the look in their eyes, sometimes, it is filled with hatred, sadness & grudge... but not all of 'em, one i like to see is when their eyes are full with questions about everything. somehow, i can relate to these kind of people spiritually. If only i am good at starting a conversation. Despite these odd characteristics they have, all of 'em have these sides to their own where they express themselves, or should i say soft sides?

sometimes, when things are so overwhelming may it be the good things or vice-versa, we always end up with this one word "why". I wonder why can't we just embrace what we have & what happens from that point onwards we just like, let it be? sounds easy, huh? we think too much about what is going to happen, we somehow are afraid of taking the next step & in the end, we lose the opportunity. I once told myself that what is the point of carrying on something that we do if we see the end of it? then, i asked myself, it is the same like knowing that we are going to die someday & tell ourselves that everything we do while living is useless. "worth", make the most out of everything.

we spend so much time worrying about something that is doubtful & in the end, we actually believe that our worries are going to happen. It's not wrong to prepare for what's to come but if we take it too literally, long gone is spontaneous.

i'm always sad, that is how i am. sad. i paint a heavy frown on my face everyday. maybe that is why i always feel lonely, i mean, i like being alone, those space that you have to your own but not loneliness, that is a big no no.

i am now lost & confused where life is taking me, that sense of purpose is no longer there & i'm starting to get weak.

you know what, no matter how hard life fuck you up, i am still glad that i am still blessed by happiness. It may not be how i expect it to be but it is everything i need.

and still, back to patience. It's an everyday need, wherever we are, don't ever lose it. keep the faith.

who knows, one day, i'll find the meaning of what it's like to feel alive again. Insya'allah.

-----------------

[edited]

28th January 2012, 2.56pm

sometimes, there are times when i feel like there's an abyss inside of me, yet, i don't know what's the cause. You know, you'd like look outside through the window & just... be there... not knowing what exactly you're looking at/for.

empty

i kinda hate it when i start to talk about it, if someone is listening, i tend to drag them down with me too... being sad, & i don't want that. It saddens me even more to know if i'm the cause to the frown on someone's face, i mean, who doesn't?

how ironic when we decide to keep everything to ourselves yet we want it all out.

there's a thing about opening up; timing.

you just don't go tell someone something personal just because you're sad or you share something in common. In billions of people in this world, of course, we do share at least one thing in similar. Even the person you trusted the most can bitch you up.

Ever had the feeling of sharing a secret (the general stuffs) to someone you just met & at the same time, both of you are going the same phase? Once in awhile, i bet you do. See? that is timing. Your logic on trust just fucked you up when you say you just don't trust anyone but you end up telling it to someone anyway. Funny, isn't it? Just like saying, you like the color green, but you wore blue the whole time. When i think about it, it doesn't make sense but we still do it anyway.

If i'm starting to tell someone something personal, it usually means that person is someone i can rely on, or at other times, i just need someone to talk to but 'someone to talk to' rarely happen 'coz i don't usually kiss & tell.

How i wish it is easy, you know, just not care about what you held inside & just live. *frowns* but i grew up learning that i should solve everything on my own & try not to depend on others. Everything has its price.

if the void inside of me keeps on growing, i'll just paint it with happiness. Little things in life always do, imma stitch the void with that. *nods.

-----------------

[edited]

30th January 2012, 4.50pm

as i try to settle down, i've come to a conclusion that when you already finalize your decision in something. There's always something that made you think twice or leads you away from the path you're going. From full of confidence to insecurities. Even if you decided to just go to the path you're going, along the way, you will be dragged down slowly.

Lately, i'm always stuck in a confusion that made me just stand still. I don't know if what i am doing now is right but it seems like i'm having a multiple personality or maybe, it has always been that way?

Let me give you a simple example based on a recent event, you see, i was planning on continuing my studies at this private institution but then, the government has decided to offer a place for post-graduate diploma/A'level students a place to study. I was like "should i go and take this opportunity?" , with all due respect to my mom, i listened to what she have to say & she said no (it's a long story about why i let her make this decision), upon waiting for the acceptance letter/call from the private institution, my eldest brother applied for the government offer & eventually got in! Today is his first day of orientation & my mom is like "see? what did i told you? you should have taken that chance." & i simply replied "you told me to just wait for the letter/call from "this" private institution" & i kept myself quiet.

to say i'm having a pre-midlife crisis is nonsense, i'm still young. *sighs.

Apart from this dilemma, i'm still wondering where do life plan on taking me now?

quoted from a good friend of mine, "we are not getting younger by the day bam, we are already in our mid 20s, we already had enough fun & it's time to get serious. I'm sure you understand very well what i'm talking about."

such wisdom in a quote, & i agreed.

-----------------

[edited]

1st February, 1.09am

why does the mind do all the thinking when it's past midnight? or when the night stand still? or when you're alone without any disturbances? but most likely, when you're about to go to sleep.

is it because the night is so quiet that you can actually hear your thoughts talking right back at you? or your thoughts are putting the non-existent images inside your head?

why is it bothering? why can't you just like, shut your eyes & go to sleep?

i think i've talked about this before in my older posts about how your mind works at nights.

Actually, it's the silence that is killing you, that deafening silence that puts you through a lane of thoughts/memories. You can even hear drops of water from the faucet in the kitchen late at night, that is how "loud" quiet can be in dead silence.

i think it's normal for me to say that, i like that kind of silence. It made me think clearly without thinking twice. People say you made decisions while in the shower, i say that isn't quite correct.

It is always the past that helped us shaped ourselves for who we are today, in some ways.

I once read an article that says something about being grateful & it made me think, we keep on wanting something better or good in life but have we ask ourselves? Do we really deserve it when we as a person doesn't even bother to be better or to be good? Often we've forgotten what we have when we get what we want & yet, we ask for more & more til' one day, everything is gone & that is the time when parts of your life flashes by your eyes.

Like a friend of mine once said, "People can never be satisfied with what they have. The thin ones wants to be fat & the fat ones wants to be thin."

It is me that i can never forget how much can i learn from someone by just being observant, the positive things, of course.

It's already the second month of 2012 & i have yet to prove myself what my presence is worthy for. 2011 has been good, but "it does not do if one is to dwell on dreams & forget to live".

so, i'm going to continue on my journey to find myself & what does my presence actually mean.

-----------------

Right where i stand now, i thank you for making me the person i am today, you've opened up my eyes so much about the sides of life that i never knew though you never really know how much i learn from you.

Maybe it's our fate that we're going on our separate ways?

For what's left of me has been given away to you, allow me to walk this life as i don't have much left to spare. I'll keep on going til' one day every piece of memories i have of you is folded & tucked neatly in a box in my mind. For what it's worth, at one point you are everything that i ever wanted. May we stumbled upon each other somewhere in the future, i'd still smile at you & whisper to myself, "how lucky i am to have you as a part of my life back then."

thank you, Afiy.

"Understanding What We've Grown To Be."

2012-01-09T21:02:00.002+08:00

.Pain.

it is necessary, in order, to know what is like to struggle. Even if life beat the crap out of ya, at least, we understand the whole point of “getting better” from being at the lowest point in your life, progressing to the highest point. That process, the time it took for all the broken pieces to unite, it may not be as easy as it seems but you are now one step wiser & further from who you used to be…

we may experience a hell lot of things, where you feel alone, empty, shattered, tired, weary, exhausted & maybe, you feel like the weight of the world is on your small shoulders? we tell ourselves, it will be worth it, then again, we are in doubts, skeptical about it. why? yet, some will believe everything will be alright, some might be in between, & some might just give in. Truth be told, sometimes, we say things to ourselves just to comfort ourselves, our hearts, just because we know the harsh truth but we decide t object it: toleration & compromising to a certain degree of handling the truth. Some might break loose, some might fail, some might fight, some might just do nothing, some might play along & some might accept that it is fate, but what is fate really? are we confused that if we say that it is fate, that it means we are taking things for granted or it means we can’t really do anything about it anymore?

that is when everything goes wrong.

so, “Fate” means something that is unavoidable in short. In brief, from what i know, fate is the deception of the truth. You are blinded by your beliefs; you see what you want to see, you believe what you want to believe. Nobody can really change it when it is strongly hold by yourself. That is not wrong, actually, you tried but you failed, then, you tried again, when your efforts now are pointless, you begin to hope. That is faith. You still want things according to your expectation despite the countless thoughts you have that is pulling you down. When everything doesn’t make sense anymore, maybe that is when we tell ourselves, “this is my fate”?

Frustration runs through your emotion.

sometimes, we force ourselves in working it out where we already know what it is going to be, just like asking a person to swim in an empty pool. What’s the point?

The point is to never give up, like the saying that if you have a will, there’s gotta be a way to it, & nothing is impossible?

determination is what counts.

again, if there’s no way to it anymore. What can you do about it? to hope, to have faith?

it is up to you, as long as you believe in what you’re doing, no matter what, maybe, one day, things will finally goes your way.

patience at its best.

i find it funny, that it is easy to accept fate if things goes your way rather than the opposite. haha.

life.

as my knowledge is very limited, i feel so small talking about these things, but i am being grateful, i am able to understand & accept the fact that life will always beat the crap out of ya. Though, it needs time to heal. I guess, that is how life rolls?

.cheers.

"Owh, Darling..."

2012-01-09T19:23:00.011+08:00

the day you leave, it feels just like yesterday...

i still remember how you avoid me 'coz i know that it is hard, i know exactly how it feels like to leave. Maybe, not to your extent, but the word "leave" is as simple as how we define sadness. I noticed that look on your face when you waved at us that night, one final look... and you're out of our sights. i'm not here to remind you how sad it was but just a mere flashback.
and below,

few of my personal favorite pictures of yours that you sent to me through whatsapp, that smile that warms me inside, the smile that made me go "whoah".
honestly, i never met someone like you before in the past, & to be exact, i do believe you are the female version of me with some differences.

sometimes, it made me think that, in our current situation, maybe the reason we met in December 2010 was to help each other picking up the shattered pieces of ourselves? we've shared almost everything, maybe, it was everything? we seemed so perfect for each other (what i believe) & even our friends thought we were a hit? haha. It was too surreal to believe we were dating each other, yknow? haha.

but you see, maybe the reason we came up to this point where we are drifting apart is our presence is each others' life has finally come to an end? have you ever think of that? you made me happy, i made you happy, i loved you, you loved me.

i can't do anything about it you know, i tried to be make this work again ever since we started to drift apart, every time i try to pull you closer, i hesitate that what if i don't get a response? :\ don't misunderstand just yet, i think twice in everything, maybe not at some point where there is too much in my head.

we chatted on whatsapp a few days ago where you said you feel like talking to a wall, i know you tried but... i wana know that every time i get in the zone of being comfortable with you, you're gone. :\ it's not that i'm used to you being gone, but i'm afraid what if you're gone like, gone? ): and we don't even tell each other things anymore. Everything is complicated now & the reason why i went M.I.A last week was i feel so lost, that i slept my day away, i slept & woke at oddly hours, my sleeping pattern is fucked up. when i sleep, i sleep more than i should, when i'm awake, it will go on for days. at times, i don't know what is wrong with me now.

you said that you're willing to wait for me, but tell me, what difference does it make if i return to you like how we used to be? My dear afiy, are you going to come back as well? :s these are some of the questions that runs through my head everyday.

do you notice that all i ever talk was us? why? it is because i am crazy for you & you may ask yourself why, i don't even know how to explain.

we say that we are going with the flow, but if we ask ourselves where does this flow takes us & if we actually stopped to pause & think & couldn't utter a word... that means all these while we are flowing nowhere, right?

my reason that brings me to where i stand now is love. i believe in love. i'm a sucker for love. you can laugh about it or maybe it's pathetic but that is the truth.

you once told me to find someone to replace you when you're in UK & i still wonder why do you want me to forget you where you want to keep me in your memories? but you see, i don't just accept anyone in my life, i don't play around giving them hope that something might happen, that is not me like what i told you. Even if i did, whoever i meet in the future will not be you, they are not you, there's only one you. I stand strong to my beliefs that i don't just go & leave without any reason at all 'coz i promised you to be honest... still, i am here, 'coz you know what?

despite what happened between us, if you place your hand on my left chest, you will feel a beat from this small organ that keeps me alive, just like how a key that starts an engine, you are the reasoning for where i am now, & to what i hold dear to my heart, you.

in the end, it's always you that matters....... you. <3

p/s: i may say a lot of things but... i really miss how we used to be, i really miss you, i really miss everything about us.

Ocean Avenue.

2011-10-20T16:24:00.003+08:00

20th oct 2011, 4.31pm.

"you never know what you have until you're gone but you're the reason for me that i can do this consistently."

[edited:]

19th december 2011, 8.33am

2 months since the last time i blogged, & within that 2 months, lotsa thing happened. From the things that you expect to the unexpected. To be honest, the reason i didn't update few days after after my last post was, i know something that is worth blogging is gona happen, well, at least for me... and 2 months passed, it did, there were hell lots of things happened & it left me numb for quite awhile but i guess, you get what you deserve? i told myself i want something worth to blog & there i got it but instead of blogging it, it made me speechless in verbal context, whatever that means.

referring to the quote/lyrics bit,

how often do we finally realize to appreciate what we have before it's finally too late?

why did we take something as it is instead of trying to make it better?

why does when everything is about to fade we just let it be & we create a hassle to claim everything back once it is gone?

it doesn't matter how many chances we get or given until we are given the last of it.

i asked myself, why?

things has gotten pretty weird for me the past 2 months, may it be socially & personally. i think i was lost & the reason i was able to cope the months before these previous 2 months was this girl who i've been dating (i'm not sure about that now 'coz everything seems to be a blur *inserts sad emoticon*)

how sad it gets when the one who you hold so dear and prior to you is slowly fading away?

distance has always been a difficulty between two person involve, but why? why does distance changes everything? i don't understand, i strain myself from being selfish & see where it leads me. All these while i never confront myself when things about to get worse 'coz i believe in being patient & by doing that, it will bring something good, not now, sooner, or later but someday. i still believe in that someday even if i got let down a hundred times, a thousand times, a million times in my past life. I don't even know how i didn't end up falling apart like completely, all these while, i was always on the verge of falling off a cliff or jumping off it but there's always something that saves me/pulls me back.

2011 has been great, indescribable is you, you're the reason for my frowns & smiles, my happiness & sadness... & still..

All i can see now is, we both are getting used to this space we created of being on our own instead of needing each other. A quote from tumblr, "instead of pretending who we are, why don't we tell each other how we really feel?" i know you don't like talking about feelings.

Take a look at us now? we said we want to work it out, are we? i'm still scared of letting myself getting back who i used to be 'coz in my mind, i know you won't be back to that person who i met on 15th December 2010. Will you be back? ): You used to be all around me, always eager to know who i was all about but i guess after a year being close to me, things changed, i guess. Towards the day you're leaving, you even admitted that you why am i always the last one to know when it comes to you. You asked me a question that i don't even know how to answer.

in all of that, although i'm a bit jealous on all the times you spent your time with, i wish it was me instead of them. Walking around the city, enjoying sights, having fun, sharing a blanket, talk to you all night, parties, be the last person who talks to you before you sleep, planning trips to europe, going to occasions, etc

i'm envious, but then, i'm happy to see you finally living the life. (:

Since we are absolute 2 different person, i always think that i'm the guy who is holding you back down from the things that you wana do. You're so lively, while, i'm... i'm me... quiet. :\

Seriously, i am afraid of what is left of us now. Even a tick or a shook, i'm afraid it will be gone. ):

never in my life i spent my time dating a person for a long time without being in a relationship, it is still new to me but then, i enjoyed every bits of it. Not a single moment, i took it for granted.

my wish is hoping for you to return to who you are, but i guess we both know everything has changed, even myself, but like i told you, i can still easily be who i was before, now, if you let me... but i can't do that alone, or maybe i am asking too much of you. We both want different things, i like words, and you prefer actions. maybe after all....................

"Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together."

Again, 2011 has been a great year for me, & i hope 2012 can be even better.

It's a start for me to act my age, i'm not getting any younger, i'll live life according to how i want it but not to how the world wants it.

let's see where does this leads us to now...

only god knows.

life.

2011-10-20T00:13:00.005+08:00

it's already the 20th of October 2011.

weird things been happening lately, well, not exactly weird. Something that is unexpected. I was gonna update this blog early this month but i guess i got too caught up with my mind that i decided to sleep the day away... & sadly, i am still doing it now. I don't know why but i think my brain is fully functioning when it is past midnight 'coz that is the time where i am conscious about everything that is going on in my mind.

It started off where i couldn't really handle the fact that Afiy left Brunei, i was so sad that i didn't really know what to do. I've been thinking a lot since the day she asked me at McD sometimes in February, that what if she leave Brunei to continue her study? Welp, i told her that 10 months will not be that long & we did that a good run for the past 9 months we were dating. Look where you are now? you're already living by yourself, all grown up. (:

then, i kinda had an argument with my mom which leave me speechless for days that i didn't bother to talk to anyone. I am still not sure that the reason i was sad was because i am disappointed at myself for making my mom all act up or what she said to me. ): i always tell myself that everything happens for a reason & so it is, maybe, it happened because i was blind to see how important it is & lucky we are that we still have our mother? I almost cried at the fact that she was really upset on me. ): but things are okay now, i guess? she's starting to talk to me again. Let's make that as a start. *nods.

and it goes to the time where Afiy tweeted "going distant". Not that i am being ignorant or something, but honestly, i felt it too that we are not what we used to be before. Everything seems so different. I'm not complaining but i am trying to understand how did this happen. Maybe, i didn't really listen to her when she said not to love her that much & trust her that much or be that serious at her? I couldn't help it but to fell in love with her so much. I mean, the moment was really right, i felt it through my skull & bones. What attracts me the most about her is her committed beliefs in speaking the reality. As a guy who is years older than her, i learned so much stuffs from observing & understanding. Yes, i am quite observant. Other than that, she is very lovely too as a person (i'm not saying this because i'm in love with her but the truth). She sees light in people & very kind too. A self-dependent girl which i rarely meet elsewhere, a very humble person who doesn't really know how to take a compliment which is cute 'coz there is when you'll see she blush & let a shy smile. (: we did talked about what if the boat we hoped on split into two & drift away so far? this actually bothers me. I mean, i still can work it out & try. How about you? i don't really know what is going on in your mind but from the way you say these things to me, it kinda have that feeling of you have already thought of this way before you left Brunei. I don't blame you at all for having all those fears/insecurities 'coz you told me what happened. I am sad at the fact that i failed, failed at one thing... to be the guy who can change your life... but we did say that it feels like we're going back to square one now.. all is awkward, am i right? if you didn't find what you're searching for here (...'coz you said something doesn't feel right or macam ada soomething that is unfinished towards the day you're about to leave), maybe you can find a lil' bit peace while you're there. Who knows, god finally lapangkan your fikiran disana? (: i still wish the best of you at whatever you're doing now & just so you know, i will always be here for you if you're ever in need of me, or anything, you know where to look for me. I do hope that the past 9 months were the liveliest moment that you ever had or at least, something different that you ever experience in your life. I know i am just an average joe, & lack in everything 'coz i think the thing that i do best is skating, music & love. That is how i roll. (:

look at her? how can she NOT be lovely. (: hehe.

and just last week, my mom told me that her younger sister has a brain tumor. ): i mean, she is like in her mid 40s with 4 lovely daughters. I am really afraid, i don't know what i am scared of but i am really scared. ): it got to the point that i almost teared up when we performed the hajat prayer. Maybe god hear our prayers for you auntie mawar 'coz life would be different without you around. Mom did say that auntie mawar's operation is just around the corner.. somehow, i don't wana know about it. I am scared. ): *sighs.

and how about myself?

i guess, i need to fix myself too 'coz i'm still jobless for a man who is in his mid 20s. This is very disappointing. I should change. I can't keep disappointing people, at least for my mom. I just can't afford to make any more mistakes or anything upsetting now. :\

http://bit.ly/nY0rc1 - expression

http://bit.ly/9prt0U - appreciation

http://bit.ly/q8pFZY - another setting daylight

why am i so depressive last year? :\ i think that was a few of my old blog posts that i liked the most, to be frank, i don't even know how i can come up with those things. haha!

anyway, Dear October, please, no more surprises. Just not now, 'coz i think i'm starting to be weak again. *sighs.

built me up?

p/s: I miss you.

til' we meet again.

2011-09-25T14:32:00.002+08:00

never thought that this day would come this fast.

the past 9 months has been the happiest time ever with you and insya'allah, let's wait until the world let us meet again for more. (':

today is your last day in sunday, your last weekend & you last day in brunei. I really don’t know how to react to that as i am now overwhelmed with sadness. I know that you’re sad as well as how you told me that you really don’t wana go & how you’re always not done with packing your stuffs. but, i am glad that you have achieved what you worried about months ago just right when you finished your exams. I still remember how moody you were when someone or myself, mentioned something about it. hehe. I’ll always support you in your studies & i am proud to see where you stand now. (: & they say, the beginning to something great is always the hardest part, so whatever comes in the future, insya’allah, we’ll be alright. (: Take good care of yourself when you’re there in UK, remember me always and yes, i miss you so… i’m gona miss everything about you.. upon god’s will, we’ll meet again soon. (‘:

until then, lotsa loves ♥

Bamm

voice of the night

2011-09-10T01:53:00.003+08:00

i will follow you, you will be my main direction. i'll study you until i will get your perfection,
everything you do is a gem in my collection, i'll follow you until i will get your perfection...
you are perfection.

10th September 2011, 1.54am.

i did talked about editing these pictures of ours (with my "awesome" MS paint skills. haha! -_-") a few weeks ago during the fasting month if i'm not mistaken.

since i've got nothing better to doa few hours ago, i decided to make something productive out of my time.

when i'm done editing, this picture painted a smile on my face. As much as how i don't get when people tell us that we both look alike, this picture somehow proved it. You know, when you spent too much time with someone together & at some point, people would say "eh, kan sama usul kamu ah.", i heard about this a lot of times but it was never spoken to me before. I didn't quite remember but someone did said we both look alike. Seriously, i don't get it. How can we both look alike? And back to what i was talking, maybe, we spent our time selalu, we'd like to believe that we are both alike? I find it as a good thing though, hence, why i smiled when i finished editing this picture.

i like how our lips line met, our focused eyes & the fold of our cheeks.

somehow, i'd like to believe that we are two individuals who are lost in our own years of living in the past & we are both meant to meet each other & see these qualities that we have may it be similar or not & noticed how much we mean for each other.

i may be a wishful thinker but that is what made me as a person, something happy that content my mind & heart. (:

do you notice how i've grown to like to the things that interest you? or maybe, you have grown to like to the things that interest me? well, i did. It all started in how we talk to each other, tweet, facebook, text message or by all means that requires reading or speaking. The use of similar words like how i always use "aiyoh" or any other certain words, like how you always use "pun". We both use it quite often, right? (:

that shows a sign of how well we notice these little things & without we knowing it, we are already into it. (:

to live is to grow, to grow is to move on & to move on is our future.

to live is to grow with you, to grown with you is to move on in life together & to live life together is our future that we're both gona spend.

like i said, i'm a wishful thinker.

You may not know how i make myself content when you're not around, even when i am moody, sad, down or anything that is related to that... I always make full use of our good times together, those sweet memories to make myself smile or even, telling myself how grateful i am to have you in my life. Which is why i don't make a big deal out of things from a small spark to something that might cause a brighter flame. I mean, we can't really avoid in making mistakes or making things worse but we always can avoid or prevent, right? By this age, i always try to think what is best for me & to the people that surrounds me. I always put people's feelings first before i think of mine 'coz i don't want to be selfish. I like seeing other people happy when i am the cause, you know, that good feeling when you helped someone & it pays off for them? i'm sure you know how it feels, right? I bet most of the stuffs i say here you can relate to, 'coz in some ways, we think alike, right? (:

to say that you are my soulmate, feels like a dream & to say that you are my twin flame? that is like beyond a dream which is too good to be true that i've actually found that person. haha. but yes, if you agree with me, i'd like to call you my soulmate 'coz of all the things that we shared. (: & who knows that within time, you'd agree too that we are each others twin flame? ;)

i don't know if i ever tell you this but...

when we met in 15th December 2010?

i feel like i've known you for quite some time, the reason i felt really comfortable on our first date days later after that.

*smiles.

lotsa loves for you. ♥

p/s: didn't get to talk that much with you earlier on today, did you miss me? 'coz i do. hehe.

x

"today, on the other side of the world."

2011-09-09T16:36:00.004+08:00

09th September 2011, 4.37pm.

I didn't mean to make things hard for you, 'coz i know for the past upcoming 9 months meeting you, it had been a roller coaster ride for both me & you, right? We shared almost everything, may it be things that made us happy or sad.

I hope that despite all the things that made you frown where i am the cause, i still can make you smile effortlessly, just like how you put a smile on my face even though you're not right here next to me, it's always when it comes to the thought of you, i am content.

please do know that even if you are so far away, you'll always be my number one girl in my heart, if you don't like being number 1, i'll make you my only one. You tamed my heart easily when i was building walls around it. 2010 was a year where i refused to be in love with anyone, even when i had the chance to, i refused, but when i met you in December 2010, somehow, there was a bridge for you to cross over these walls of mine & went through my heart. The walls are still there but you got through without crumbling it all down, that is how special you are to me. I don't just let people into my heart, and when i do, you are something more than just life to me.

i once heard that the beginning of something great is always the hardest 'coz easy come, easy go, and nothing good comes easily, which is why i always work my hardest to make things work for us or the will for me to fight for it. I don't give up easily to the person who mean the most to me especially when i say "i wouldn't even trade you for the world." 'coz that is just how things are for me.

i don't forget easily, you are by far the most wonderful things that ever happened to me & i hope you understand that you are my someone special, someone that i cherish the most, someone that i look up to when everything come crashing down.

I don't want to make things hard for you 'coz you're leaving soon, i just want to let you know that in everything that you do, you'll always have my support, even if you're a million miles away, you're always here inside of me, the heart & don't be silly by asking me will i miss you or anything that is related to that 'coz i dare to say i will be the person who miss you the most when you are not here.

i will be strong if you can be strong too, i hope that you will miss me too as much as how i miss you when you go.

you mean a lot to me, afiy, i miss you & i love you.

xx

skin & bones

2011-08-07T15:01:00.003+08:00

07th August 2011, 3.10pm.

#nowplaying Accept And Embrace - Maybeshewill

this song really describe what i feel right now. *nods.

it has been a week since August started & July has been a great month for me as far as i can recall comparing to those previous years & i get to met my love a lot too. (:

If we think about it, it is always the little things that means the most, right? I think she has no idea by a simple gesture to me like kissing me on the cheek or by just a simple hug can make me feel all nervous (suka) & sometimes, it made my day. (:

you know, there are days when you don't feel like talking & just keep yourself quiet but then, when it comes to that particular person, even though you are having your moodswing, you can't help it but to let that excitement flows through you. That is how Afiy makes me feel when it comes to her, my facial expression may not tell my emotion but the heart does & all it takes is just one teeny weeny move to lift up that lips to smile.

I think i was taught on how to love when i was a kid, or maybe, it is what i learned.

ever since i was a kid, all that i want is to be loved, well, who doesn't?

...but that went quite... nyehh.

I never really had a good childhood as far as i can remember, i never really talk about my childhood because honestly, i've got nothing to talk about it except the sides where i rebel, well, i think every kids went through that.

I always have this thought on Love when i was a young kid, towards all things, not in just feelings but to what that concerns you.

I try to understand that if we don't get any, why don't we give?

as easy as it sounds like, it is really hard to comply. I was a young kid, what do i know about getting & receiving?

as the years go by, it is that every single thing that you're attached to has its own sentimental values & you can't seem to let it go that easily, like a pillow that you used since you were a baby.

3.44pm - to be continued...

[edit:]

07th September 2011, 2.59pm

why does it feels like yesterday when i typed down this post?

as much as how i wanted to blog everything out, i just don't know where to start or maybe, it will flow slowly... hmm..

to look forward is to grow and to grow is to move on in life, what is life exactly?

what i do know is i have yet to be thankful & grateful to lots of things.

i still have a long way to go even though i am now 25 years old.

i have seen a lot of things.

and i want to say thank you to god for giving me the ability to understand & to adapt every situation as fast as i can, although, i might make a few mistakes along the way that causes troubles to someone, but i always assure myself that, for every mistake i've made, i will try at least not to repeat it again 'coz maybe i am prone in making silly little mistakes. :\

and to those who stood by me so far & to those who stand by me now, i wana say thank you for making me the person who i am now 'coz without you guys i am just skin & bones that questions my own existence.

and to the person who helped me out so far since december, you know who you are, I love you so much. My words maybe are not enough to show how much you mean to me but god knows, the depths of love from me to you (aiseh deeppp juaaaaa hahaha).

have a good afternoon.

cheers.

2011-08-01T03:17:00.002+08:00

1st August 2011, 3.18am.

"I once said you are my everything sayang, may u know that, it still stands."

how one can be happy easily when your love one said this to you.

how happy one can be is how one let that amount of love rushes into their hearts.

how happy i am that the one who said this to me is Afiy.

xx

2011-07-30T00:51:00.002+08:00

30th July, 12.55am.

every time when i think i don't deserve anything at all in this world.

i always tell myself that God would never put us in such ways.

just when i thought i had nothing, she came into mind.

when i say you content me, do believe that i mean it with all my heart my dear.

afiy. <3

2011-07-27T16:19:00.002+08:00

27th July 2011, 4.25pm.

Confession:

I almost chickened out when we went in to this store & asked the lady about the piercings.

but somehow, i've always wanted a piercing that reminds me of Afiy & now, i can cross that out of my imaginary things-that-i-wana-do-in-life to-do list. :D

so glad that you talked me into this.

wuhuuuuuuu~

2011-07-27T15:42:00.009+08:00

27th July 2011, 3,42pm.

Hello Wednesday.

i like to think about things that makes you realize & appreciate to what surrounds you, maybe i am one of those who complains? but i always tell myself to be grateful that even when life is at its bitchiest state, there's always something that can make up to it & Allah will never put us into a state where we can not cope because in every situation given, may it be hard or easy, we always learn something from it.

July has almost come to an end & i thank you to those who made it a good one especially you my dearest Afiy. (:

.together.

when you have someone to love, it seems like you want to share all the things that you do with her, even your interest where you usually think it is weird to anyone but not to her, something about her makes you feel easy & i, personally, think that is quite a nice gesture because in a way you're telling the one you love that you want to to things together with her & to let her know that you are making her a part of your life, obviously. hehe.

so for once, sayang, if the word "menyusahkan" pops in your mind, just let it slip away because i enjoy doing things together with you, just like how we spent our Monday with your family painting the walls of the mini cinema room at your house. I think i got too caught up painting the walls instead of mingling around or maybe i was still shy? hehe. but all over, i enjoyed the time spent. (:

by now, i'm sure, you can already tell that in almost everything i do, i want you to be a part of it & if you let me, i want to be a part of what you do too. I don't mind hanging around helping you out with stuffs or anything, it's the idea of "togetherness" that brought me closer to you too. <3

.you.

if one word can describe you in a playful way, i think i'd choose "wonderful". :D

to all those times where you let me fall in to you instead of letting me falling away, an infinity of thank you's.

remember the time where i said this to you in one of my inboxes via facebook?

"...even if we found a way to be easy in life, life would still be a bitch to us."

...but still, we go on right even when it is hard? what made me go on?

...you.

i wouldn't be where i am now if it wasn't for you & somehow, with you, life seems to be fair even when the weight of the world is crashing down on me.

i love you. xx

2011-07-21T12:28:00.003+08:00

21st July 2011, 12.50pm.

.every second, every minute, every hour, everyday.

just like how people enjoy the summer breeze, that is what her voice seems like to me.

i love the way how the thoughts of her made me smile.

there is always something about her that i can not resist, every each day i am drawn to her as close as how it can be.

it's a week since the 15th, the day where it all started 7 months ago.

Somehow, somethings tells me that on that particular day, she will be in my future from that day onwards & i sensed this feeling where i need to get closer with this girl because why does my heart beats so fast when ever she is around?

i fell in love not because i have to, i realized that i was in love on how she made me feel about her & from that point, feelings started to grow. Love was something that i wanted to forget but it was incredibly amazing how she defines it for me.

Most of the time, back then, i think about how did i end up on meeting such hardcore but delicate person in some way which i want to look forward to everyday. My day will not be complete if i don't talk to her & that is how it was, that was when it started to build up, that feeling of liking someone which turns to something that we all want to be in, "love." (:

emotions runs wild every time i talk to her, i get nervous, i get shy, i get mushy mushy, i get butterflies soaring in my tummy? yes! all of that, but most importantly, i was really eager on telling her that i had a crush on her & that happened on our first date where i told her that i *thumbs up* her. Man, i wonder where did i get all the strength to tell her that because in my whole life of living that was my first time ever confessing face to face but hell yeah i did & it felt so good. :D

that act of chivalry, the risk that i have to take was so worth it. *nods.

.so, off we go for the ride of our life.

There is nothing i could ever wished for more than her, she is just perfect for me & i, personally, think she suits me best even when she say "what? me? if i can date myself, i don't even want to." but my dear sayang, there is always an exception to everything because i am that guy who is willing to do almost everything just for you. Do accept the fact that for every single person in this world, there will be another single person for them to be with. Every single person in this world deserves someone to have & i am that "yours to have." (:

Just like i have told you before,

i will try my best to succeed in being there for you most of the time when ever you're in need.

i will try my best to comfort you even when i know i don't have the best words to say.

i will try my best to open up my arms just for you to cave into my chest every time you need a hug.

i will try to my best to listen to every single word you say as i want you to know that i am listening to you.

even when you are playful, i know you would like someone to take you seriously & i will try my best to be that guy.

i will try my best to pick you up when you're down & if you don't feel like going up, let me lay besides you & we can go cry together.

and the list goes on & on.

even if you say if you say you're at your worst behavior, i mean who's perfect, i'm not perfect too but together we are perfect for each other. (:

when the day where i seem to be quiet & out of touch comes, just so you know, you are still on my mind, loving you as it is, as you are. *nods.

you may say a lot of things about yourself to me but from what i see, hear, know & feel...

you are still that one person who i am going to love no matter what. Eseh. <3

*waves.

2011-07-21T11:52:00.002+08:00

300th post.

lil' notes, they never fail to make me smile. <3

Moon.

2011-07-21T11:00:00.004+08:00

21st July 2011, 11.28am.

3 days ago.

Last night.(too bad you can't really see the ring in this picture but it was sooooooo huge!)

I remembered the time where Afiy told me that there was a big ring surrounding the moon, kind of like a reflection & i thought it was normal because i think i've seen it before, sometimes, at night, i just feel like going out chilling at the veranda staring at the night skies with my ipod & earphones plugged into my ears, you know.

But then, i was wrong, 3 days ago, around midnight, i witnessed it. Now i get why Afiy was so amazed at that time, welp, i was amazed too & if only i had a really good camera to capture that moment because it really reminds me of her.

And i saw it last night too.

I guess, when you really missed someone, you start to see that person every where you go in every thing that you see. Sometimes, when you see a complete stranger in front of you, you just wish that is the person you missed so that when they turned around you'll be like all... "sayaaaaaaang!. *jumps!" haha. It's not wrong to be wishful at times, right? I'm sure all of us do that. hehe. *winks.

2011-07-20T03:48:00.004+08:00

20th July 2011, 3.30am.

Earlier on today while i was out,

I had a thought about what are the things that made us realize what is "appreciation"?

In every aspects, there are lots of things that reminds us on how to be grateful.

For two nights, i was blamed for something I don't know or do. I think I got used to it that I don't really care about it but it does made me feel like I am a disappointment.

So, I asked myself, maybe the reason for it was my parents only want the best for me but they just had to put it that way? I took it as something to motivate me to be better.

Besides, I am sure all of us went through this, right? Life is too short to worry as one would say & I find it quite true, why fill our minds with hatred when we can fill it with joy? We can always take a lesson from our past, try to move on & no looking back. It won't be easy as it seems but in order to enjoy life, we gotta enjoy being ourselves first, be comfortable with who we are & embrace it.

Appreciation. (:

I think there is no limitations to the word "Appreciation" because we can always find a way to show it & that is the good thing about it.

If i want to be specific, this would be a really good example. *points down.

"be there for him as much as i could, take care of him when he's unwell, be the one who hugs him when things go downhill, help him cut his nail or find his white hair when we're getting old, love him with my whole heart."

This was what Afiy sent me through whatsapp a few days ago, my heart was touched.

You know when you used to be alone, I'm sure you ever dreamed of someone saying something like this to you, just that you don't know when will the time comes.

Every people who used to be broken out there really knows what it's like to lose something, I respect & salute to these kind of people because even though they were broken but they still stood up straight & carry on in hope for better days... I know, I was one of 'em.

Since Afiy came into my life, I dare to say my life dramatically changes from being a person who is so insecure to a person who puts his head up even when life tries to bring him down & in case you don't understand what I'm trying to say, I mean, Afiy is the reason for the good things happened in my life now. *nods.

Ups & downs are the nature of life, we tolerate & compromise, but all i want to say is, for every thing that happened in my life now, I always have Afiy by my side. Even if she's not there physically, virtually is fine too & verbally or all the thoughts that I have about her can be helpful too. (:

The power of how someone can make your mind adapts to the worst situation ever, to make you calm even when you're at your weakest point is just amazing. I learned a lot from Afiy, I always try to understand about what she have to say so I know what she is going through & that way, I can feel her pain & I don't mind crying with her if I don't have any other words to comfort her but to hug & cry with her.

How significant she is to my life is just indescribable.

Sometimes, I think she is way too good for me & I don't deserve it... but! If i re-think about it, don't you agree with me that i was being stupid for thinking that way?

Finally, when you found the person who makes you happy, why not think that we are lucky instead of saying we don't deserve it? This is what i always remind myself because I know, we actually did something to deserve it, we actually did something to be blessed so good. (:

Which is why, I'm going to put all of my heart in loving her because she deserves it, not just because of that, also, as the person I am standing today, words aren't just enough of how much have you done for me & for that, i, forever, thank you. *nods.

My love may not be that great but just like all the things I've shown you so far in hope to make you happy, I am all yours to have. <3

Every day, when I wake up in the morning, I thank to god for blessing me with such a wonderful person to love since December til' I closed my eyes to sleep.

I have no other words to say except,

"Thank you sayang for making me happy all these while because life seems to be better when you're around."

*smiles & waves.

4.41am.

2011-07-17T04:16:00.003+08:00

17th July 2011, 4.22am.

Thank you for spending the night out with me.

Definitely the best birthday ever, so far, that i can remember.

She looked really lovely & i just can't take my eyes off her. Let's hope that she didn't notice to all the stolen glances i made all night.

I was wrong, July did bring me something good all along. I've got just what i need now to face my upcoming days may it be up or down. You made all of this possible. The person who I'm going to love with all of my heart's content.

I never thought that I'd get to spent my time with you just right when the clock struck 12 indicating the 17th of July earlier on & again, thank you, your presence in my life since the day I met you are everything to me.

I love you, Afiy. <333

p/s: I hope you are as happy as i am of how significant you are to me in my life. (: *blows hardcore kisses.

2011-07-15T01:31:00.007+08:00

15th July 2011, 1.45am.

an advance birthday gift from my sayang, afiy. (:

I bet she has no idea how much i adore this drawing, so thoughtful & all the efforts & time she put in drawing this are already enough to make me happy. :D

i'm so happy as a little boy could be. *jumps around.

gona wear her school sweater to sleep every night from now on. *nods!

gonna edit this again soon, insya'allah. (:

EDIT:

17th July 2011, 3.34am.

*refers to the 14th July, a night out with Afiy*

...and so i thought, when ever she is around, i am mellowed out. It's a good thing actually because before i can see myself narrowing my eyebrows along with a serious facial expression where ever i go but not when it comes to Afiy, she has the ability to soften the "hardcore" side of me which we discussed recently & i agreed. *sticks tongue out. haha.

one thing about her is, she is very good at surprises. All kind of surprises. Haha! When i got back home that night, i checked the tees that she returned which i lent for her to sleep in at the back seat & i was like "hey! what is this?" i felt something, there was something in her folded school sweater. My reflex was to not touch it until i know what it is & if Afiy was around at that particular time, i think she'd be annoyed by my questions asking what is in her sweater. haha! As doubts filled my head, i decided to bring everything to my room & sit in front of my mom's working table & i found...

Huahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! :D

...and i read the birthday card along with the sweet handwritten letter inside of it too which made my eyes watery, again, that feeling of overwhelming happiness you get til' you wana cry? Don't you just love that feeling? Because you know that person loves you so much. (': I want to thank her because before i met her, i was longing to feel that again & unexpectedly, at the end of 2010, i think an angel came down to me that goes by the name "Afiy". *winks!

to my surprise, the gift she gave to me was a drawing of Optimus Prime which she did all by herself. :D I got so excited that i paced my room back & forth for a few minutes, holding the drawing, adoring it to the heart. :D then, i found out there was a small note too which she folded cutely. <3 The feeling of being loved was overwhelming, so good that i talked to myself to sleep. haha! You're the best ever sayang! :D

so, i got a tee which she gave me 2 weeks before my birthday, an awesome drawing of Optimus Prime, lil' notes, letters, a birthday card & her sweater for me to sleep in. <3

I took a moment, i paused & thought about all the things she have done for me so far. I don't know what i did to be blessed this much but to accept it gratefully with all my heart. (:

She means the world to me, seriously, life wouldn't ever be the same if there is no her in my life. I wouldn't be able to get this far in life & be this positive if it wasn't for her. As a man that i am now, i should take good care of her like a man should & i'd do whatever it takes just to protect her, the love of mine. *nods.

"lepak aaah~", that was quote of the night. It is an inside joke by the way. haha.

cheers.

"...a part of you."

2011-07-13T13:55:00.004+08:00

13th July 2011, 1.55pm.

i don't usually talk about my birthday but the people around me seems to acknowledge my birth date very well, some even asked me just to tease me that if i have plans on that particular day & i replied, i don't know & it took me a few minutes to notice that they were talking about my birthday & i was like what the fuck?. -_-" haha! That somehow made my day in a way though. *smiles.

Surprisingly, July is not that bad, far from what i expected, like things are picking up. I like how the little things made me smile like how my sayang told me she ate a piece of fruit, which is quite surprising 'coz i know she doesn't eat fruits. haha. I smiled briefly because she decides to share me something about her day & it makes me feel that i am part of her life. I always get all excited when she shares something with me, it can be anything because for once, there's actually a person who's willing to make me a part of their life & that is you my dear.

This morning, i woke up with a wide smile. Afiy was talking something about her sweater & how she want me to have it. Usually, i always wake up being blurry for a few minutes but not today. The text she sent me on whatsapp made my morning. :D

"something indirectly say that i'm a part of you?"

that was what she said to me about the sweater, such simple words, yet, it gives so much meaning to me. *nods.

life may not be the way as how we want it to be but if we know how to live it right, we can always find a light that shines our way even in the darkest of days. (:

Thank you so much sayang for being around with me all these while. *winks.

4 days left til' 17th & i am nervous for no reason at all. eyaaa.

I know you won't be around on that day, i wasn't around pun on your birthday dulu so if you're worried about that, i am okay with it lah. hehe. At least, i have your love & you greeted me a month earlier pun. :D *pokes butt.

*puts on a happy face.

2011-07-11T15:08:00.002+08:00

3.20pm, 11th July 2011.

i only have one word to describe this picture.

"whimsical."

i don't know why but i always smile every time i come across this picture. *nods.

every picture of her i have or the both of us has its own tale & memory which makes it special.

for every time we spent together, i try so hard not to forget every moment that we shared because...

she is all i have, one who makes me happy when skies are grey. (:

I can always talk about how much she mean to me all over again but let's keep that a secret. Shhh~ *winks.

xx

Home

2011-07-04T02:16:00.006+08:00

04th July 2011, 2.17am.
It was a lovely start for the weekend, just like the usual, i always start my morning by texting with Afiy, one of my daily routine that i love the most & then, it turned to a hectic afternoon as i decided to join Bos, Abby & Faiq at the last minute for 'Go Skate Day' somewhere around the stadium which started around 2pm+ & ended around 10pm+. -_-"

As the day goes by, eseh, i didn't realized that i ran out of credit so i didn't get to update her with what was going at the mini event that was held by Uneek Skateshop. I felt weird, i felt really weird when i received her text saying that she wanted to call me but she couldn't get through because i ran out out credit. Aiyoh. Weird as in i wanted to talk to her so bad & i think so far, i think, i've never turned down her offer on calling me on the phone because i know her voice brings joy to me & i need that. I'd like to believe that if i did received that phone call, it might just make my day & i might win the 'Game Of Skate' battle. Instantly, i missed her to the point that i checked my phone once in every 5 - 10 minutes or so, just in case that she texted me. I think i annoyed my friends by asking them, well, it was more to a hint if they wanted to buy something from the retail store nearby but every one of them was busy skating so i was like... nevermind. Again, i felt weird, it was almost around 6pm+ where i received her message again, the chance where i know i can reached her but somehow, i couldn't find a way & it made me sad. ): i was sad/hated at the fact that i didn't recharge my credit earlier on before we went to bandar. :s

Just right when the event ended, i received another text from her again. It made me smile. My phone used to be dead silence before i met her in December, sometimes, i don't bother at all to check my phone but now, i've got a reason.. Even when i know there's no call/mc/text, i'd still check my phone from time to time. Is this what they called lovestruck? (;

Before we head back to KB, we stopped by at Jerudong Park for a late dinner & i finally recharged my credit. :D

I received a couple of text from her from Whatsapp.

she sent me this picture of Jetfire saying that she managed to transform it. :D i find it cute for her to say that & i can already imagine her facial expression if i was there next to her. I bet she'll look at me with a huge smile & an excitement on her face telling me about it...

"eh eh eh, sayang sayang sayang." <3

that is her way every time she have something to tell me especially when she is excited. :3 . Man, talking about this made me miss her already. :\ Sometimes, i talk to myself at night about how wonderful she is to me. I'd smile, giggle or laugh at the thought of her especially all those little things she do. Reminding myself that how lucky i am over & over again.

and if you want to know i miss you too dear, i really do. Even though, if we are miles apart without talking to each other, you are constantly in my mind running around. Even if i am busy, i always think of you because i just can't simply not to think of you, that'd be impossible for me to do.

i breathe you in, my love.

It's already the 04th of July & somehow, i feel uneasy as the day grows near to this significant date. I don't know why but July seems to lose its meaning for me as years go by. I get moody once in awhile out of nothing at all, one second i can be hyped up! & the next second, i can be all quiet. Mood swings suck. That is what July brings me... & yes, i do have a 'but' for this one... (: in

*in reference to the handwritten letter Afiy gave to me, points down.

"guess what? July's here! Your month is here! and I... as your sayang will try to make the best of this month..."

I was sitting quietly in the passenger's seat reading the first line of the letter & i just can't help it but it touched my heart so much that my eyes got all watery. No one has ever said that to me, i repeat, no one. She is the first ever & i was so happy that i didn't even know what to say to her, i was speechless for the first few minutes before i continued reading the letter. You have no idea how happy i was to read that simple line yet it means so much to me, i was overwhelmed by happiness & joy. I am sure you were surprised on why i hugged you tightly a couple of times that night after i read the letter. (:

To me, something simple can bring out love that much that can able contain every voids that haunts us for so long inside of us. Just like she did. Until now, i dare to say she totally have no idea why i am so into her, crazily in love. (:

Honestly, as a person, based on the reality i'm living in, i am not that much, i always feel small in whatever aspects but i've learned that we can always enjoy life the way we want it. It doesn't have to be grand & the best thing is when you have a company (*points at you.) to share it with. (:

Little did she knows that she makes me confident in what i do, proved me that i am weirdly different in a good way (aku suka yang ane haha :D) & to be positive.

Yes, she is VERY important to me & i'd do just anything to protect the love. *nods.

If she thinks that she's normal, well, you are wrong baby because you are one of a kind.

thank you for making me happy.

*winks.

i better get some sleep now though i am not tired, surprisingly.

i love you. <3

p/s: All the best with the 3 weeks course starting from today, just remember that i am always around if you need me. (:

I am Bamm & i always feel like i am home when ever you are around. *nods.

2011-07-02T15:01:00.000+08:00

one of the things that made my day. <3

"I Am Yours - Texas In July"

2011-07-02T12:50:00.014+08:00

2nd July, Saturday, 12.53pm

"it's almost to 7 months now."

that was what we said 2 days ago while hanging out at this particular spot in kiulap after watching Transformers: Dark Of The Moon at Gadong Mall. We were reminiscing about the rollercoaster ride we had together, life is never easy but then, we always got through it together, alhamdulillah. (: It was a perfect ending for the month of June for me & a great start for July too.

I think it is her thing to be good at surprising me, it has always been that way, when she come up with something, she never failed to leave me speechless so far. haha! I gotta admit that it was kind of embarrassing to know that i acted like a little kid when she gave me a box with a tee & a handwritten letter in it. (:

I hesitated on opening the box at first but it got me curious on what she got me. I love the tee & the letter made me so... (': i feel so loved by the words that she wrote in that letter. It made me realized again, how lucky i am to have her around in my life ever since we got close in December 2010. I spent a good 5 - 7 mins. or so keeping myself in silence because i don't want her to see me cry? well, my eyes were watery though. :p Isn't it amusing on how something so simple yet can bring such a big impact towards us? I was happy knowing that she loves me as much as i love her.

I had this urge on hugging her so tight that night like a lost kid who just found a familiar face that makes the kid feels safe.

that is one of the best thing about her, i feel weightless when we hug. <3

"just the thought of you can make me smile, you make me smile."

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19th June 2011

she might be "woyhhh! why did you post this pic?" :p

one thing i like about this picture is her. Duh! stating the obvious. haha. Seriously, i like how focus she is when she does something. The concentration she gives. From my understanding, when she wants to do something, she gets it done, not all talk & the positive vibes that surrounds her.

When i took this picture, i smiled, not just a smile but a smile when you see someone you love sitting next to you. Out of her seriousness, i find it cute the way she figure out how to transform the Transformers figure she was holding. (;

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09th June 2011

one of her random picture that she sent to me on whatsapp before she leaves the boarding house & heads up to school.

it was a great morning if i can recall & it was just by seeing this picture with the smile that melts me. I was missing her so bad that i think i constantly say it everyday, though, i was afraid that it might annoy her or it loses its meaning. I don't say "i miss you" just because i want to because that is what i feel. Back then, before i met her, i always have this feeling of missing something but i don't know what it is. Maybe, it was the emptiness & loneliness that accompanied me? :s

but then, now that i have her around, i know what i am missing, i know exactly what i feel. I miss her. I don't want to hold it back every time i feel it, i chose to tell her every time when this feeling comes because i want her to know that there is someone (me. HEHE) who is missing her, feels lonely & empty when she's not around. Sometimes, the thought of knowing that she is in KB eases it out a little bit because at least, she is around & not that far. (:

I'm not going to hold myself from saying that i miss her or love her when i feel it, back then, when i have nobody, i've got no one to miss & love, but now, i have somebody who means the world to me, i'd rather annoy her with all the mush-mushy thingamajigs rather than waiting for the right time to say it. :D welp, that is just me. *winks.

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22nd April 2011

this was the night before i leave brunei for a weekend tour with my former band Bleed This Skyline. I decided to drop by at my sayang's house 'coz i wanted to meet her because i am sure i'm gona miss her a lot, which i did. :p I miss my old hair & the reason is the braid that she did to my hair. :p i kind of like it when she mess around with my hair, it makes me feel like a kid. :D it's a good feeling though. haha. We just sit around & talk, updating each other. Sabrina was there too to make it merrier. haha. :D

one thing what i like about hanging out at my sayang's crib is that i always feel welcomed, i feel like i am... home. (:

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30th June 2011

just like the saying a picture can tell a thousand of stories & i would like this picture to tell a thousand stories of how much i love her. <3

i love you. (:

have a great weekend.

*waves.

2011-06-20T13:58:00.002+08:00

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see,
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach,
You know that I could use somebody,
You know that I could use somebody...

someone like you.

Dear Afiy,

thank you for being there making me a somebody when i was a nobody. <3

always yours,

Bamm.

xx

2011-06-17T16:07:00.005+08:00

(excuse the messy look, it's 4.34pm & i haven't showered yet. -_-")

what does it mean when you can't stop thinking about someone constantly?

a good friend of mine once said, "DUDE! you're in love." haha.

There's just something about her that i can't get enough of, i know it is sad every time we part ways but every time we meet & part, it seems heavier for me to see her walking away.

That is me by the way, i miss her easily but the good thing is for every time we spend our time apart. I saved up all these things that i wanted to tell her when we get to meet & in hope that i won't forget 'coz i really love it when we talk. The vibe of telling stories to her in virtual world & in the real life is just different. For i am just human with flaws, i have yet to learn more on how to be appreciative, upon god's will, i want to make everything count & worth. Like my mom used to tell me

"Bersyukur tah & berterima kasih apa yang kana bagi atu."

It looks simple but we can interpret it in lots of ways. So, here i am praying every day to god for blessing me with something that i never thought i'd have in this world where i feel i don't deserve anything but no, i was wrong. 15th December proved me that for every person in this world, no matter how broken & lonely they are, they do deserve happiness & sometimes, it may not be much but i am sure, it is all they ever wanted.

Like what happened to me, when i was just about to give up everything & take life as it is... came along a girl with a smile that really caught my attention & my heart that goes by the name...

Afiy. <3

have a nice upcoming weekend.

cheers.

"...the direction i follow to get home."

2011-06-15T14:28:00.003+08:00

3.06pm
few months ago, i did remember Afiy said something about the song that was playing in my car while we're on the way to bandar. She seemed so excited about it, she told me that she was listening to it the day before & told herself that if we ever reached 6 months, she's going to dedicate that song to me... but sorry sayang, i think i accidentally said it out first. hehe.

...and look at where we stand now.

#nowplaying 6 Months - Hey Monday

it feels just like yesterday, when we met at Angel's Beach in Tutong, well, technically. Where we were hinting each other & giving out signals that both of us wanted to talk but we didn't 'coz maybe the feeling of us liking each other held us back from talking. haha.

in just 6 months, we've gone through a lot. Welp, that is life, right? Nothing is easy, we gotta work on it. Yes, we do have our own ups & downs but the thing is, alhamdulillah, we managed to go through it together every time & that is what matters. To hold on to each other when things get rough & bumpy & i don't if it's just me but after every downs we had, we tend to be a little bit closer as we understand each other a little bit more.

Sometimes in February or March, i realized that the sides of me that i don't normally show to anyone, emerged. I'm talking about the soft side of me. As far i know, i am not the person who can easily be soften? HAHAHA! that sounds weird but yes, when it comes to Afiy... I can be weak at the knees so bad & i'm not kidding. She have seen me in that state, i think? haha! but yeah, when i first went out on a date with her in December, something tells me that she is different, good different, awesome different, amazing different! We clicked easily! There was no awkward moment & the time where we kept ourselves shut was when we stuttered or that heavy feeling of wanting to say something but we just can't 'coz we were shy? haha. :p

There is now words or actions can describe how grateful i am to have her in my life. <3

With all the things that make us happy & sad, the world has brought us closer day by day without us realizing it & with the love that we have for each other, insya'allah, we'll be alright. As long as i have her, even when life brings me down to the lowest of lows, i'd still say that life is fair 'coz she is the only thing that is right for me in my life. *nods.

"i may not get to see you as often as i like, i may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night but deep in my heart, i truly know, you're the one i love..."

With hope, i want you to know that you mean so much to me & here i am again, offering you my heart with a ribbon tied around it & i know it's not much but it's all i have. *smiles.

i love you, Afiy. (:

2011-06-14T02:19:00.002+08:00

2.41am.

often, i tell myself that as a person, everyone seems to be good at something, like really good & i look at myself & say "just average."

but there's this one person who always remind me that i am not "just average".

that made me smile.

there are times when i wanted to prove all the things i said to her but i know, i'm just human, i can't do everything & that makes me sad 'coz i really wanted her to know that my love are more than just words.

i always have this feeling of not being satisfied at myself even though i can make her happy, insya'allah.

but every time she said "just you is enough for me to have.", i don't really remember but that is what i think she was trying to say.

it made me smile again.

the things that you do when you're so in love. haha. I think she knows a lil' bit about me by now, heck, maybe, predict me. who knows? *kirai2 & sticks tongue out. and as much as how bad i want to prove how much i love her, i am grateful & thankful.

yes, it is still going on strong & i think if i were to describe my love for her, it'd look like a BIG ASS Impenetrable FORT! 'coz she's the only girl who holds the key to my heart. (; yeamannn.

i LOVE you, afiy. (:

puff, puff.

2011-06-14T01:40:00.004+08:00

2.17am.

when it's 15th of June, it is official that i've stopped smoking for about 6 months. *nods.

I like having a conversation 'coz it puts the mind the work. Sharing ideas, opinions & stuffs. Last week, i talked with Afiy about smoking urges. I, myself, wondered how did i really start smoking? I was never really a heavy nor a regular smoker but i'd light a stick occasionally back then.

2007, the month where i started working & that was the time where i started smoking again. My excuse was i wanted to waste my time before going into the office.. but as days go by, weeks & months. It started to become serious, i smoked whenever i can but with a reason too... a very common reason, "stress". That was when i started to feel sharp pains at the heart area, sometimes i can't breathe properly & there was a time where i can't even move my body 'coz my chest & heart hurts so much. So, i thought, why do i still smoke? i tried to stop by reducing the amount of cigarettes in a day like 5 sticks per day. It worked, surprisingly. It went on for a couple of months until i started studying again in 2008 which is in July.

once, a friend said "Dude, why do you smoke? I don't mind if you're already a smoker but think about it, if you start smoking now, don't you think it's so sayang? You're healthy, in a way, than most of us who smokes here."

that made me think & i think that was sometimes in 2007 too.

It'd be a lie if i say i didn't have any urges so far. I did. Temptation can be very evil, it screws the mind especially when you're alone, having a problem, stress, thinking too much or anything that causes us saying "eurgh!" but yeah, personally, i think the reason i managed to keep up this far is by staying positive. As crappy as it sound, yes, it does help. Alternatives, we gotta find it to substitute the subject which is smoking to something else that can calm us down.

As for me, i have my own ways of coping with the urge of smoking but one thing that i like the most is whenever i told Afiy about it. I don't know why but it stopped right away. Weird. I like her positive energy on how she handle things when her mind is like scribbles in a piece of paper. From there, i learned that if we always keep ourselves positive despite having a fucked up day, even the littlest thing that one couldn't imagine can lighten up our mood or just to put a smile on our face like this... (:

6 months ago before i met Afiy, i was not the person who i am today. "dwelling in the darkness" defines me a lot but alhamdulillah, without her knowing it, she did helped me a lot these past few months. I guess, she is one amazing person. I adore her as a person, actually 'coz at times, i can see that she is cooler than me. haha! (;

welp, that is a chipped block of my life. hehe.

cheers.

P/s: i hope you're doing okay & yes, if you let me i'll join the SCB run in July with you. <3 (:

"...and i would walk 500 miles."

2011-06-05T15:04:00.001+08:00

i love it when things comes unexpected & of course, by that, i mean the good ones, who doesn't, right? haha.

-spent the night cruising around town back & forth aimlessly. <3

-eating DQ ice creams at a parking lot in Seria while having a conversation about "something". :p

-taught Afiy the basics on how to skate & i am still amazed by her progress. :D *HUGS!

-went to the beach for a drive along the shoreline & stargazing. <3

-Afiy taught me a dance, WALTZ! i've always wanted to dance under the stars at the beach late at night with no music on but just us. <3

and one last thing, "BETUL-BETUL HO LIAO!" haha! *shivers.

04th June will be one of the nights that i'll always remember. <3

p/s: This girl makes me happy like no one does. *points down.

love her to bits!

2011-04-18T11:14:00.002+08:00

.my obsession.
she's so.. UQWGDIEWFVCWEVCKJEVBCWEVBU56768... CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~
♥♥♥

Happy birthday sayang. (:

2011-04-12T15:29:00.004+08:00

Happy Birthday love! <3

gona edit this post soon enough. (:

cheers.

[edit]:

5th june, 2.00pm.

a month plus later & here i am, editing the post where i am supposed to do it in April. -_-" life seemed a little bit different since my laptop is gone but nyeh, i'm not talking about myself here but the person who means the world to me. (:

.afiy.

i find it funny when she said that she doesn't even remember her own birthday & it was just around the corner. The fact that she fooled people with her fake birthday made it more interesting to me. haha. She even told me to greet her on the 15th of April instead of the 12th coz she said that is her actual birthday? haha. that made me laugh even more, which is why i sayang her so much. She always have her own way of doing things & that is amusing. *winks.

when i asked her if she celebrates it & her reply remind me of who i was in my teenage years, the similarity. Over the past 5 months (& counting) of being close to her, i cant help to notice that though we both are totally different as a person but we do share a lot of things in common especially those little things that people don't bother to have a look. Very different in a good way, if we were still hinting each other like how we did at the early stage of getting close, man, do i have a lot of things to say to her... :p we never really did flirt though or did we? Recalling December, it all happened in a snap & there we were adoring each other which turned to loving each other. <3

all i can say is, the girl has made a huge impact in my life that i really don't know how to see life without her. She's the best thing that happened to me so far now since December. Although, if i want to sum up everything, stitching up all those little things back in '10 when it comes to her for e.g. when we tweet on twitter, replying wall posts on facebook & my teeny weeny crush that i had (still do) on her... to think back, even though my '10 was crappy but the smile she puts on my face was enough for me to say "life isn't so bad after all." (:

i still owe her "something" though & i think by the time she read this she already know what it is & if she don't know it yet, i'm sure she will keep this to herself & be curious... wait, why do i see a scene where she attacks me with questions regarding this one? haha! welp, i only have one answer for that... summer. (:

life brings us up & life brings us down, it is always on how we let ourselves face it. I dare to say that we are not perfect 'coz we do have our own flaws & we do mistakes but there is just one thing that covers that all up.... with happiness we made together & the sadness that we shared... *points down.

we love each other. (:

until then,

bamm. <33

rainy saturday.

2011-04-09T13:42:00.008+08:00

sometimes, when you're all alone & you're thinking about the person you love the most? what do you usually do?

i reminisce.

there's a saying that says "distance makes the heart grows fonder."

.i miss you.
yes, it does 'coz the time spent apart makes you eager for the next time for you to meet again with each other & the excitement when you get to see the one you love & everything you miss about them is right before your eyes.

isn't it funny by just thinking of the one you miss the most can make you smile all alone? *nods.

there are times where you just stare blankly & god knows what is playing in your mind but of all the things you can think of, it always narrows down to this one thing, your love. *smiles.

back in the days, i tend to let negativity consume me making me think that i am the smallest person in the world. :\ but after years living with it, i just can't stand being in that state anymore so i decided to change for a good cause & that is to be a better person. To make things short, it was a good slow 'experimental' run until i met this amazing girl who changed my life, in a way. *smiles eagerly.

"everybody thinks that they're not enough."

she said that to me while we were on the phone recently & it struck me, for all these while, nobody has ever said that to me. I mean, i had a sudden realization towards it, that is quite true when i think about it. She kinds uplift my mood by saying "but one thing for sure, you're always enough for me." God knows how widely i smile when she said that to me, i feel so loved.

without her knowing it, she kinda taught me a lil' bit about life & it's values. I try to seek for knowledge from every stories that she ever told me so that i can understand her a bit.

which is why she means the world to me.
.serene.
she is my very own definition of serenity; one who can make everything's okay even when i feel at the most terrible state, she always manage to lift this heavy frown of mine to a smile. *nods.

she, too, have seen/heard me at my weakest state and she still says i'm the guy who she fell in love with.

i'd so take the slightest chance of being by her side even if it's still blurry which is why unplanned plans are the best memories. ♥

even though she has this boy-nature in her (she claimed this to herself haha :p), i still think she's the loveliest person ever who can out-beat any ladies out there. *nods. the awesome thing is she can be hardcore & she can be the girl who can make your heart melt to a pool of wax. haha. ♥ *winks. & when she cares? you just can't help to feel so loved by her, i mean, she'll take good care of you very carefully with the warmth that came from her heart. (:

and of all the things that i can say about her, she'll always be my number one & in fact,there's no numbers at all to rank her 'coz she's beyond everything that is amazing in this world. ♥

if one says,

"find a heart that will love you at your worst & arms that will hold you at your weakest"?

i've already found mine. ♥

and in my eyes, she's the beautifulest person in every way that defines perfection that ever crossed my mind. ♥

tranquility.

2011-04-09T03:54:00.007+08:00

every night before i go to sleep.

i think of all those things that's been happening to me & i always put the bright sides first.

but as obvious as it seems, i always think about you & how grateful i am to have you in my life just right before i shut my eyes. *nods.

have a nice weekend.

cheers.

p/s: I love it when you make me smile & laugh. (:

with you, i have the best days of my life.

the best thing.

2011-04-02T13:38:00.006+08:00

If she wears her biggest smile whenever she's around me & i think that is the reason why, i have all of these nervous breakdowns 'coz when she smile, beautiful is the definition of her. (;

p/s: i've always wanted to do this... JU-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN! HAHAHA! :D

fireflies.

2011-04-01T02:20:00.005+08:00

March ends with a smile on my face & April starts with a smile on my face too.

if only i am really good with words to describe how grateful i am right now towards all the good things that has been happening to me but for now, what i can say is... syukur alhamdulillah. *nods.

one cool thing about 31st March 2011 is after living for so many years i finally saw fireflies & the best thing about it when it happened, i was not alone to witness such a beautiful sight. (:

i am beyond glad to have this person around in my life.

p/s: i love you, afiy. <3

[edited:]
Have you ever wondered before about the reason on the grounds you're standing right now or the reason why you're still standing strong or just simply have the reason to look forward to a new day?

i did.

but i never thought my reasons for existence now would be this person i barely knew a year ago.

"it wasn't planned."

i am amazed everyday by how the both of us met & how we interact in virtual life & how we get closer by each day 'coz it was different, not the usual thing you stumbled upon everyday, obviously & yet, i'm still awed that how on earth did i get so lucky to meet such lovely girl. *scratches head. :D

her name is Afiy by the way. (:

31st March.

.beach.
It seems like an ordinary afternoon, where the both of us decided to go out & waste the afternoon away. Our plan was to eat burgers & sit down by the beach while enjoying the sun set & just talk about anything that our mind can come up with. As our afternoon started, i think it is a part of us to be silly along the way. haha. We raced (this was fun hehe) ourselves to this small huts by the beach & you know, enjoying the moment. (: then, we bet dared each other for a Piggy-back ride, which was awesome & i bet she still couldn't believe that i can lift her up, i can even walk/run(?)/jog while giving her a piggy-back ride if she want to. haha. & yes, she, too, can lift me up 'coz she's my wonderwoman. (;

there was this one moment where i sat next to her & we didn't utter a single word, just silence except the sound of the waves breaking & the soft late-afternoon breeze. Funny thing is, it is never awkward when i keep myself quiet when she's next to me. I kinda like enjoy that moment when i can sit very close next to her, put my arms around her & just smile widely. It's just perfect. (:

.skate.
when we were not that close, i used to check her blog frequently for updates & i stumbled upon this post about her 100 goals in life & one of 'em is to learn how to skate. She even tweeted about it before. What made me eager was, i wana be that person. I mean, i told myself "wouldn't it be cool if i can teach her how to skate?" 'coz the first time i saw her, she was playing football. How awesome is that? hehe. :p so, i assumed she is really good in sports which turned out true, she LOVES sports. :D so afternoon, after enjoying our time at the beach, we were scouting for a place to skate with not much people wandering around or cars. It was not that long until we found this perfect parking lot. I still remember that smile on her face & how eager she was. What's more, it gave me that warmth feeling that softens my heart. eseh. (; How can i not be happy when she's all that happy & i am the cause of it? EXTREMELY HAPPY. :D

So, i took out my skateboard & taught her the basics on how to find the body balance while standing on the board & how to roll away. She was a bit shy at first but after a few lessons, man, i don't even have to hold her hands just to guide her, she can do it all by herself. All of that in just less than an hour & i am really proud to see her improving that fast. That was her first time skating by the way. (y) not to mention, i am impressed too. hehe. It was fun to see how she really want to roll away with the board perfectly straight. :p I can see that in everything she do, she has determination. *nods. Even whe she almost got her left leg cramp, she still wana go skate & that is hardcore & she is my baby. :D

.fireflies & stars.
After the skate sesh, we cruised around the town for a little while & somehow, we always end up going somewhere unplanned. This happened a lot & not the first time too. haha. I guess that is how we roll, our own way of enjoying things. (:

so we end up going to the beach in lumut 'coz i've never been there & so does she.

The moment we placed our foots on the sandy grounds, i was already in awe with my jaw hanging seeing the beautiful sight of the beach... but that was not it.. as we walked a few steps further, i think the 1st thing she noticed was how beautiful the night sky was. I was awesomely struck too. STARS. It was everywhere! and the might sky was just like a piece of massive black blanket with shining objects on it. :D while we were busy enjoying that, something caught my eyes attention.

I immediately grabbed (sorry haha) her shoulders and told her to turn & i pointed to this flying bug with lights on its butt. haha! We were like "OWH MAA GADDD! FIREFLIES!"

Seriously, after 20+ years of living, it was my first time seeing fireflies. :D and what's best, i get to watch it with my sayang, Afiy. ;D

As we walked further, we found more fireflies by the bushes near the shore & wow, just life she said, that moment is like one of the scenes you see in movies. *nods in agreement. & i think we even touched one, i'm not kidding. haha!

i can cross out a few of my mental list that i've always wanted to do now.

-teach a girl how to skate.
-sights of fireflies.
-pick a star that reminds me of her.
-junk food at the beach for late dinner.
-Afiy rocks an awesome vans shoe (i know this is random but i wana include this. :p)
-stargazing at night at an open space while wandering around the beach.

These are just a few that just happened & there's more to come just yet. *smiles.

.home.
i know how both of us don't like parting ways which is why i don't like saying "goodbye" or "bye" to her when our day is about to end. hehe. So, I prefer saying "see you soon" & waves eagerly at her. (; Last night, she said, she always wears her biggest smile while i'm around her & somehow, it made my eyes watery for a few seconds, no, not because of sadness but happiness that overwhelms me. (: To hear someone something sweet that means a lot to you? it means the world to me. (:

.afiy.
my source of happiness.

there are a lot of things that i can say about how amazing she is as a person, since the first time i lay my eyes on her, my first impression, maybe, was a bit right that she's a very cool person. *nods.

I don't know how to say this but even though we are different in a way but we do share these little things that keeps us close like crazy, awesomely crazy.

we always have fun in our own way without caring what people will say & from the shyness i have in the beginning turns to a lil' bit out-going silly, she's contagious & i'm loving it. Together, we can do whatever we want & we can help each other if we have difficulties in doing something. A hand for a hand that binds forming a beautiful thing called Love. HE HE HE. (;

she makes everything worthwhile. *nods.

sometimes, i always see myself as the imperfect one 'coz to see how amazingly-perfect she is in my eyes, whoah. but she always reminds me that we're the same so don't feel different. She has a thing of making things right when i feel everything's wrong. (:

It was almost a year when i decide to give up hope on love but i guess, life wasn't bad after all 'coz i know everyone in this world deserves happiness even if it's just a speck. To those who truly know the meaning of losing knows how to value things.

I was given the chance to take a risk on love again at the end of 2010, it was miraculously weird on how my fears vanished when i met Afiy. So, i knew, she must be the one i've been looking for & searching for all the while. One that i need in my life. Funny thing is, it happened when i least expect it. It's all good. (:

what happened to that risk of loving again? i took it.

If my life before was in black & white? what is the opposite of it? that is how my life now.. living in colors that i never knew existed. *smiles.

just like she said, i can't imagine myself dating with someone else none other than her.

"if home is where the heart is then my home is where you are."

even if i get to choose anything that i want in this world, i'd still choose you. <3

weird.

2011-03-30T20:06:00.002+08:00

I'm currently talking to Afiy right now on skype & she told me that she had this weird dream.

In that dream, she was reading this line or quote & at the same time, there was an audio playing reading out loud to her. Just like a narrator in a way.

and the line/quote says:

"how you guys met, it was no coincidence, it was not 'just a meeting', it was not just how strangers meet... but it's fate."

feeling this.

2011-03-30T18:53:00.004+08:00

It's wednesday & March has come to an end. Well, not really. Tomorrow will be the last day of this month & i'm still stuck here at home doing nothing everyday. -_-"

i wana get out from this boring daily routine & do something. *sighs. I wonder when will i get a job interview, i hope it will be anytime soon 'coz i really need to work my ass off.

anyways, it was a good long run since i finished college. *nods. Lotsa things happened & i'm grateful for everything that comes in my way. (:

I woke up today feeling sick & my throat is messing around with me & i shivered at times. What does this means? Owh, this headache is killing me too. -_-" gotta be strong enough to fight this 'coz i don't wana be sick! *nods seriously.

p/s: hey, if you read this. Please do know that i miss you so much. (; <33

2011-03-25T12:31:00.003+08:00

went out with Afiy yesterday & i bought these 2 rad tees! (ghost rider & superman) :D
and i have a feeling that i'll be seeing myself in more comic tees in the future & i blame Afiy for this addiction. HAHAHA! just joking. (;
welp, i'm loving it! *nods.
xx

p/s: I cut my hair again btw! :D

brightest hour with you.

2011-03-19T10:39:00.003+08:00

something in me feels so light.

mellow?

i feel like a breeze that blows slowly if that doesn't sound weird.

you know, that feeling of getting swayed or maybe, kinda like when you set your ipod into shuffle mode & it plays all your favorite-feel-good song?

doesn't that feel nice? (:

i wonder if i get to go sky-diving. hmm.

anyways, i woke up with a good mood & i'm gona make this last as long as i could. (;

2011-03-19T04:01:00.001+08:00

Loving this CAP so much right now! :D

turning over a new leaf.

2011-03-10T10:11:00.005+08:00

Once upon a time....

...just like the day when you decide to stop smoking. Yes, i used to smoke but occasionally. So, i decided to stop for my own good & it's funny to see their reactions to when i say "yea, i stopped" & i just smile.

i mean, is it weird if i say i don't over-think things nowadays?

i must say it is a good feeling. For once, negativity isn't invading your mind 'coz you've got something else to think about. (;

It is not easy though, you know, "nothing good comes easily sometimes you've got to try" a line from 'Amber - 311'. That is quite true, if you want something, you gotta work your way through it, right? (; & it is another reason for me to say that we must make full use of our chances, which is good for you, make the most of it & don't take it for granted & don't let it go to waste 'coz you know it only comes once in a blue moon, right? (;

.a thought to self.

i've been telling myself to see the brighter side of everything now instead of worrying, someone taught me this, i mean, i learned it from someone & personally, i think it is good for me to be this way 'coz i used to worry a lot. Alhamdulillah, one day she's gona look through my eyes how much she means to me.. oppss.. did i just said 'she'? haha. you know who you are. (;

welp, i am happy again... :D & when i am happy. I want everyone to be happy too 'coz it is a very nice feeling. :D

*waves.

p/s: doesn't it feel good when you finally have a reason to do everything? (:

now or never.

2011-03-10T09:44:00.006+08:00

"you've got that look i can't describe."

try not to associate this with the physicals.

ask around if & see how much can one understand about inner beauty. (;

we all have our own opinions, don't we?

as much as i want to elaborate, why don't we let it be a mystery for one another? (;

In a blink of an eye, here comes the third month of the year & we've got nine more months left 'til 2011 ends.

it's been a good year so far & i am looking forward for all the excitement that is yet to come, may it be ups or downs, i will always learn something from it 'coz everyday is a new day for knowledge (duh? obviously?) as i ask myself everyday "why did i learn today?" towards the end of the day & more importantly, i've got someone to do it with. (:
there are things that is hard to understand, there are things that is hard to feel, there are things that is hard to show, there are things that is hard to say, there are things that is hard to explain...

but there is just one thing amongst all of the above that i can prove it to you so easily yet so hard that it makes me nervous every time 'coz it is not for the sake's of saying it but it is an honesty & truthfully, meant it whenever you hear it... Love. Isn't it so obvious? (;
xx

Change.

2011-03-05T00:58:00.006+08:00

Once upon a time...

.Whatnot.
If i am still living like i did in the past, maybe, this is how i look like everyday? haha.

but nope, someone made me happy. (:

After almost 25 years of living, i think it doesn't sound selfish if i say i have witnessed & experienced quite a lot of things, not all, just the right amount of knowledge for a young adult. Of course, there were some that you wish you'd forget but that is not an option if it remains as a scar in your life. I didn't have an interesting childhood and that went on until i was a teen. At the age of 13, I adapted this habit of thinking deeply. Maybe, it runs in the genes. I, too, was reminded constantly to be patient at all cause because i was told even the smallest matter can trouble you. In addition to that, i kept myself quiet & learned on not to be disrespectful. These were the few things that my parents taught me. Deep-thinking, patient, quiet & shy. What a combination for a kid.

My teenage years were filled with emptiness, loneliness, sadness & depression. Maybe, i was young to understand? or maybe, i was too self-absorbed about being anti-social? I got used to handling my own problems (by figuring it out myself) & the part where i hate the most was to let it fade away when you got no one to talk to. I am sure people who experience this will say the same thing too, i know i'm not the only one. The pain of letting it fade was unbearable at times, it got to a point where i wanted to hurt myself but that would be stupid? I needed help but all the help that i got was 'silence'. Living with negativity ain't easy & somehow, i always find a way out of it. struggling. coping. you know, just to live the life but that was the past. problems are a nature of life, we can't run away from it nor hide but that's the idea of it. It gave us something that nobody can teach us or show us. We have to experience it ourselves in order to feel it & that is a kind of risk that one has to take.

On a brighter note, at least, I've learned what i need to know about life. Alhamdulillah. (:

You see, i've been living with it for quite some time & i've been trying to break away from it.

i don't want to live with loneliness, emptiness, sadness & depression as a friend.

.The part where you least expect.

what i need is change.

before December 2010, i gotta say life was like living on the edge of a cliff, you know, not knowing when you're going to fall.

You know when people say good things comes for those who wait?

I've never gave a thought about this before because i used to think that i am a person who don't deserve anything good in life but something proved me wrong...

.The Story.

For once in my whole life, i felt something that i've never felt before & it was real & still do. 15th December marks the date on where it all started. This particular person may not understand or get it on why I've been dying to prove how she shifted my life ever since that day. I can see myself changing in a good way like how i was reminded by her that i should be myself. As early as it gets on the 15th, somehow, i want a future with this girl that made me so awe. Something that only the both of us can have, something that is not ordinary, something that is shareable between the both of us or something that the both of us can only know. It's that moment when you feel right & there's no explanation to it because when it does, it just feels right. Instantly, i knew she will be something to me one day because at that time, i think i had flashes of imaginations running through my mind on what kind of involvement she will be in my life. As i can remember correctly, I wanted her to be more than just a friend with me. In fact, i wanted her to be someone important in my life. A lover? *blushes. When i set my mind on someone, it is hard for me not to be attached to that person.

I've seen sides of her that i can't even tell or express. Sides that i think one can never see or takes time to notice. She always ends up questioning me on why I am so attracted to her. I guess, some things are indescribable, even if you want to, you just can't explain it.

Sometimes, i think she is way too good for me in terms of standards, superior. If i look at myself as a person, I lack so much in everything but there is just one thing about her, she sees me differently. I can say or give her a list of how small i am as a person, I'm sure she will knock my head off (not kidding) & say i am not what i think i am because in her eyes... i am not "an average joe". *smiles. I still remember the time when she told me this, I looked so goofy & silly knowing she complimented me but inside, i feel like crying a river just like Justin Timberlake would sing because i was so happy. Every form of compliments from her sometimes are unbelievable, you know, just like a dream a come true. Something that only happen in dreams or something that you wish for but this is the reality, i gotta shake my head off thinking i'm still living in fantasies. In a way, she is my dream & she is my reality.

I've started to think positively when she appeared in my life, I prevent myself from thinking too much & as good as it gets, i always have her by my side. She knows what to say & do. Even when she's not trying, there's always something about her that makes me feel better. A savior to be exact.

She brought good things in my life so far & yet, there is more to come. I have my own way in noticing details, i may missed out some but it's always her kindness that stood out & her love towards something as in how caring she can be. Again, she may not understand how i always say she is kind & lovely but it is how she is. That is herself, kind & loving.

and i like it when she talk because i like to listen. She's like a book filled with millions of stories to tell. If one finds something's boring, she can make an interesting story out of it. I am always amused by what she have to say, she has this excitement that no one have & her excitement is attractive to me. Not to mention that smile & face expression when she's about to tell me something, it is just so lovely, like watching a beautiful scenery while the sun sets/rises.

The wonders of Afiy, that is how i like to call it whenever i feel amazed by her.

I may not be able to answer all of her questions on why i am so into her but one thing for sure is she is the only person that i want to be with right now through the darkest nights & through the brightest of days, i want to go through it all with her. I just want to be there whenever she needs me, i want to attend her emotional needs. Everyone needs someone by their side, to take care of them because i know the pain of being alone. Therefore, upon god's will, i will try & do my best in achieving so because she deserves it, every bit of it.

isn't if funny that in the alphabet the letter 'B' comes after 'A'? If you think about it, 'B' comes after 'A'? In a way, it means i am chasing after her. By chase, i want it to mean, giving her all that i've got. (:

I may not be good with words or expressing but one thing for sure...

This girl means a lot to me that my life would crumble without her around. *nods.

This is the girl behind my happiness (that i can't live without) & everything in between... because after all, what is there not to LOVE about Afiy? (; *waves.

The end.

P/s: Thank you so much.

wonderwall.

2011-02-19T05:05:00.005+08:00

it's been awhile...

this space right here is where i used to throw all of my thoughts away as i couldn't contain it in my mind as i didn't want to shift my problems to those who i care like families & buddies.

i used to think a lot, deep thoughts are what defines me, it's like an impression i give to people. Maybe, that was why i always narrowed my eyebrows? marung2? serious2? but nyeh, i think that is how i roll. hehe.

2010 will be one of those years where i look back & say "man, it is a miracle that i coped 11 months of downhills."

what i am trying to do now & what have i always been saying to myself, "dude, you gotta, at least, try to be positive."

there were times back then which i failed 'coz this things aren't easy but i once read a quote saying "the happiest people are the most lonely one." so, i told myself that these types of people are the strongest one of all. I envy those who can keep themselves happy despite the problems they have. After years of trying, i progressed, i can see the changes now. From letting problems fades away to writing them down on a piece of paper to solve it on my own to finally being able voice it out to someone or share. It look easy but it took several years for me to progress, ain't that sad? *looks down at self.

but i am here now, not to talk about that but i wana talk about how things have change, of course, in a good way. *smiles.

.LOVE.

syukur alhamdulillah, so far, there are a lot of good things that happened to me, ever since 15th December 2011. I never thought that there would be one person will be so significant to me now & isn't it funny how can a person make everything possible, at least to the things that you feared? i know i am full with insecurities but then, when i saw her at the date mentioned up there, it felt different, clean from insecurity. I was amused by how she can make me feel that way without even trying and her knowing it. It's like magic. haha.

Moreover, i also felt this happiness that i am not familiar with. I know i am happy but then, it is more than that, more genuine than what i have felt before. How on earth did she do this? It's that warmth feeling when you're alone thinking about something & you smile, giggle & as easy as 1 2 3, feel happy. *smiles. It is quite interesting 'coz before, we hardly talk & the only thing that kept me in touch with her was Facebook & Twitter. Looking back, i am glad to have all those little things with her, even by just a tweet from her can make me happy & now, it is way more bigger than that, i am in love. *smiles.

AFIY♥

this is the girl who is responsible for all the good things that happened to me lately with and without her acknowledgment. As a person, she is very interesting, the qualities she have is enough to impress people. I am, too, very very impressed on how amusing she is & for every reason that i can come up just to convince her that she is amusing, i think, is still not enough 'coz i want to let her know that she is beautiful in every single way that one can ever think of. From "hey you!" the very first wall post of her to me to all the cute little names that she can come up with now. I still smile like it just happened yesterday.

she's like the answer to my everything, who contents every void that i have in me til' i am whole. Basically, she completes me in every way. She unintentionally taught me that in life, we should be comfortable with who we are & don't care about what other people say 'coz life is too short to worry. It kind of boost up my confidence & it made me feel good. She's got this thing that whenever i am around, everything is okay 'coz in the mind, there is always her smiling & waving slowly calling out my name. So far, again, without even trying, she always make me happy even by a simple morning greet. That excitement of receiving a text from her will never fade away.

.SHE IS THE EVERY KINDS OF WONDER IN LIFE.

she even can make me happy when we're not talking. If you think about it, everything i say about her is related to one another, it might look the same but the message it carries is different & that is how i'm gona love her. It's a promise from me to her that i'll shower her with love til' there's nothing left in me & say that, i have nothing left, i will make something out of it to prove that we can see love in everything, beauty in everything & happiness in everything. We just gotta know how to find it & as i promised, i will find her the love, beauty & happiness from everything to show how indescribable this feeling i have for her & i want her to feel the wonders of it, i'm not just doing this for me but i want to share with her that even though this world is full of lies & how life is not fair at times, i want to prove that we can still be happy after all, it may not be from something that is grand but if we slowly keep all the little things in life which makes us happy & in time, it'll be something more than grand, way beyond something that even the word happiness can't describe. That is one of my ways to show her that my love for her can be experienced in many ways.

.MY FEELINGS FOR HER HAS GROWN TO SOMETHING THAT I CAN'T EVEN TELL.

I've been trying to tell & show her what it is made of but so far, i think it is not enough. I want her to know that in every bits of me, there is her wandering around. Actions speaks louder than words, personally, i don't think action alone is enough to show her my feelings. There are lotsa quotes out there stating that love can't be explained but to feel. I've been figuring this out since the moment i saw her at Angel's Beach, Tutong on the 15th December 2011. I can feel her all around me, circulating me & even when i'm breathing. Even expressing myself to her everyday is not enough for me & i chose to not be satisfied with all the thing that i do so far so that i can come up with something greater, something that she never felt before 'coz she deserves to be loved appropriately & deserves to be love right & deserves to be treated right. *nods.

.SHE MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE.

i always tell myself that why wait for a specific date just to make someone to feel special where you can get to make that someone feel special everyday? I'm not gona save the best for the last 'coz i'm gona use the best everyday so that she'll will special every single day. To see her happy is one of the things i like but to know if i am the cause of her happiness is beyond bliss. When i see her happy, it just warms this little heart of mine. Quite similar to the feeling when you are being hugged by someone important in your life. That warmth feeling is just so nice, i wish i can stop time every time i feel it & of course, that will only happen whenever she is around but i know that i won't get to feel it everyday so i must fully appreciate every single moment that i get like spending time with her so that i'll have these little memories of her that i can use to reminisce whenever she is not around. *smiles.

....IN TO YOU.

I can never get bored of falling for her all over again. It's like my daily routine now 'coz there's always something new about her every day that i have yet to discover. Life with her around is like an adventure to somewhere that is peaceful in the mind & soul.

.MY DEDICATION.

i have devoted myself to her & that is how it will be from the day i say it to her til' now.

for every heavy frown she has, i will lift it up.
for every sadness she has, i will try to to replaced it with happiness.
for every tears she has, i will try to prevent it from falling & will wipe it off with love.
for every worries she has, i will tell her everything will be okay.
for every time when she's in need, i will be there for her.
for every time she wants to cry, i will lend her both of my shoulders to cry upon.
for every problems she has, i will try & help her solve it or at least support her in every way.
for every time she wants to scream her lungs out, my willing ears are able for her to scream at.
for every time she feels like falling, my willing wide open arms will catch her anytime.
for every time she feels like breaking down, i will hug her tightly.
for every something that upsets her, i will comfort her til' she smiles again.
for every emptiness she has, i will fill every single bit of it with love.
for the time when no one understands her, i will believe in her.
for every time she feels alone, i will be her company through night & day.
for the times when she's missing me, i will attend her emotions as much as possible.
for every nightmares she has, i will extract every bits her bad dreams.
for every broken pieces she has, i will mend it all up.
for every fear she has, i will help her to overcome it all slowly.
for every missing pieces she has, i am willing to be the one who completes her.
for every open seams she has, i will stitch it all up with love.

i can carry on with the list of how willing i am to her because...

in my eyes, you are everything.

If the world offers me everything that it has, there is no way for me to trade you with it because you are already my world. ♥

you're all that i have & you're all that i need.

and of course, this is just me, saying things. (;

*waves.

p/s: I Love You.

2011-01-22T04:31:00.003+08:00

.my happiness.

jade.

2011-01-07T01:08:00.001+08:00

having that thing, right there, makes me happy. I don't know why. :D

2011-01-02T01:57:00.003+08:00

This place is up on a hill (obviously) & the place is actually prohibited to public 'coz we had to climb up a 2.5 - 3m fence & sneaked in carefully. It is kinda hard to explain but imma let the picture tell how beautiful & breath-taking it is the view at night time.

Yes, this was what we did at 3.00am on the 1st of January 2011.

wish that i can enjoy this view with you.

*waves.

just something.

2011-01-02T01:21:00.004+08:00

you know when you spend too much time on your own, you end up leaving yourself with doubts.

but i guess that is just me 'coz i tend to over-think some things.

so, it's 2011. (:

i am glad that my days towards the end of 2010 were great & the start of my 2011 was unexpected too. alhamdulillah.

if there's anything that makes you happy, even if it just for awhile or maybe a lifetime, when it comes to me, i will appreciate it like it is my last day of living & i will make sure i'll make the most of it 'coz it is way too precious to let it go down the drain or let it go away 'coz you know that for every opportunity brings you chances & who knows it might lead you somewhere?

Insya'allah.

random fact: i tried to stop smoking on the 21st December 2010 which lasted only for 8 days but i'm gona start again 'coz for now, i am already a day free of cigarettes. :D

so yeah, life goes on...

a whole new adventure that we're about to go through & i'm already packed in mind so, let's go!

p/s: all in all, December of 2010 was SUPERB 'coz of *insert anything that made you happy here* :D and the best of all is i got to walk down the beach along the shoreline while it rained lightly and that is one of the memory that i treasure the most in December. *smiles.

feelin' a bit under the weather.

2010-12-29T12:49:00.004+08:00

it's 12.47pm (Brunei time) & it's cold, i just woke up like an hour ago just to find out there's nothing to do. So, i think imma go back to sleep. ZzZz~

and this made my day so far. *points down.

p/s: 775 is the last 3 digits of my phone no. & that 775th post was unexpected. :D

Tuesday Morning.

2010-12-28T07:25:00.004+08:00

"chances taken, hopes embraced."

if we are doing fine along the way despite the obstacles that we went through trying to be a better person or in life, alhamdulillah.

but what if you happen to stumble upon another path to walk to while doing that alone?

some will explore & some will carry on.

as for me, as much as how i enjoy walking alone with my ipod on, it'd sure be nice & even better to have a "company" walking along with me. (;

and yes, things will be just fine, insya'allah. *nods.

*waves.

Something random.

2010-12-26T06:42:00.003+08:00

taking chances.

so simple yet so complex.

if god is willing to give me another chance of making life better, i'd surely grab that chance & try my best to work on it.

Despite the crappy 11 months i had, "i am happy again", alhamdulillah. (:

it sure does feel good to know there is something that will make you smile at the end of the day. (;

i, surely does, miss this feeling 'coz it has been awhile, awhileeeeeee.

and for this, i'd like to thank god for such kindness.

even though, life is such a bitch but i believe that with every single seconds of struggles & efforts are "behind the scenes" of happiness & everything would mean nothing if it is for free.

I can't sleep & it's 7.04am. i think i should go now. Let's see if there will be another update anytime soon.

cheers.

Sunday, 6.39am.

2010-12-26T06:23:00.005+08:00

It has been awhile since the last time i post something up in here. I just wana say a few words.

Alhamdulillah, December has been good 'coz all the things that happened so far was something that i least expect & some of it was beyond my expectations. Anyways, below are some of the pictures of some of the awesome moments i had so far. (:

"someone" took a pic. of me sleeping at lynz's house, it was the post-doa selamat hang out session. (:
Say hello to AFIYYYYYYY. :D She's my hardcore partner in crime & we only talk at our best virtually but i guess that is soon to change? (;
This is Lynz. :D My awesome homey. This pic. was taken at Angel's beach in Tutong.
myself, ajeh & isa. Who else? My homeboys. hehe.
ajeh & myself fooling in the car while on our way to Kota Kinablu, Sabah for our skate road trip. :D
ikhwan, lynz, me & shuan. It was fun to see familiar faces hanging out & do random stuffs like this. :D

There is more for me to share but let's make that a secret for you to guess. (; *waves.

2010-11-20T02:29:00.001+08:00

it's one of those days you know where you think everything went well but turns out, it's the other way around. I seemed to be so care-free lately, don't get me wrong with being selfish but it's what i do just to cope. I have the feeling that i will be fucked up by something soon... Be prepared for the worst, that is what i've been doing all these while, 2010. Anyways, i just wana share something... *whispers, "actually, idk where to go?", *smiles.

"it's like the end of an era..."

2010-11-13T07:25:00.002+08:00

This is what i thought.

I never voice this out loud but i seriously think that i really wana quit my current band (bleed this skyline). As i remembered, i did said to my band mates that the life of being in a band is never peaceful. There will be always this constant argument about something from one to another. There is no peace until the point where everyone is quiet & okay. I get this because this is what i went through in my previous band, there was no understanding with each other & communication except our taste in music... but how about all the time?

i got too worried that i almost fucked up college. Serious shit. I'm on the verge on repeating another year for submitting every assignments not on time. I don't blame anyone in this but the situation. Somehow, i just wished that my band mates would understand what i'm going through as i am still studying, when i say "dude, count me out. I have a due date to catch."

*sighs.

I will tell the guys once we recorded & released our new songs, probably around late December. That should be a good timing. I don't mind being a sessionist or being replaced... Since there is no compromise & toleration. I guess this is the best. I am still considering this as i haven't made up my mind yet. Sorry guys. We all got issues, don't we?

www.myspace.com/bleedts (myspace)
bleed this skyline (facebook)

p/s: i'm sure they won't be reading this & even if they do, the word "consideration" should explain everything.

2010-11-06T02:26:00.000+08:00

cut my hair again. -_-"

2010-11-04T01:12:00.000+08:00

2010-10-31T15:53:00.000+08:00

Never cut your hair for a random thing to do. -_-"

2010-10-17T00:18:00.002+08:00

Lyrics:

Your apologies are useless just like how the world brings you down to your knees,
you weave every sinful thoughts into your mind that only last in this borrowed life.

Open your eyes and stretch your view from side to side,
Let blood be spilled,
For all we know we stood up for the only one.
Let fleshes be torn.

Your fist used to be up in the air but it showed nothing but an act of cowardice,
You stand for nothing and in the end you’ll fall for anything.

Cursed into spaces whom faults belongs to no one else but their own. It’s too late to mourn in sorrow for regression as soon you will decay, beneath the earth, through time leaving nothing behind but remorse of your selfish self.

2010-09-24T00:43:00.002+08:00

this is the time where i say i really don't know what to do anymore.

i seem to fail in everything i do now & i am slowly falling apart... again. :\

when toleration is at its peak, there's no such thing as patience & compromising.

when there is no patience & compromise, what is there left to do?

when people start to be unappreciative towards you, what can you do about it?

i might as well walk away 'coz i gotta admit, i am such a small FUCKING person.

eugh.

HTRDTHFYGJHUKJLOERTYU$#%$%&^$E%R&TYTFYGUIH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"...where i have to go."

2010-09-13T07:47:00.002+08:00

2010-09-13T06:17:00.002+08:00

"They stare at me... while i stare at you."
Flight Facilities Ft. Giselle Rosselli - Crave you.

2010-09-13T06:03:00.002+08:00

Why do i always put myself aside instead of others?

Has it always been this way?

I am SIMPLY stuck in between to collapse & rising up.

If only permanent & temporary changes takes place according its suitable time through-out life, wouldn't that be nice?

:\

Talked to a friend few days ago about how i should seize every moment i have & try to live it up for a change instead of worrying.

I should work on this.

p/s: i hate the word "why".

2010-09-08T18:49:00.002+08:00

"People kill people...

...with robots."

Merdeka Jamm.

2010-09-01T13:44:00.006+08:00

...this is what happened on 30/08/10 , I'll upload more pics. soon.

edit:

!ZOMBIFIED!

moving forward.

2010-08-28T17:55:00.000+08:00

July.

2010-08-28T04:30:00.003+08:00

a week before HM's birthday.

Me and my college mates; this was fun. (:

-_-"

2010-08-28T04:27:00.002+08:00

there's something i thought i always knew.

turned out, i knew nothing about it.

this is why i hate thinking too much & expectations.

i feel... ASDFGHJKL!!

2010-08-16T20:00:00.003+08:00

the pic. speaks for itself.

just wondering, what happen to those who actually doesn't have anyone in their life?

2010-08-15T20:57:00.001+08:00

"And what I do is what I feel,
And what I feel is where I have to go,
And where I go is where you are,
My love, my fear, my beating heart,
My simple answer that I'll never know..."

Naomi - White

life is temporary.

2010-08-14T00:30:00.004+08:00

11.50am.

there goes a life of a kitten.

i didn't mean to.

i accidentally killed a cat while reversing my car at a friend's house.

sorry.

):

p/s: we dug a grave and said goodbye.

“Ya Allah, jadikanlah usiaku yang terbaik adalah penghujungnya, dan hari-hariku yang terbaik adalah di mana hari-hari saya bertemu dengan-Mu.”

"...something to get me by."

2010-08-12T12:29:00.002+08:00

So, i managed to get myself back to kb last week just to join a mini skate competition organized by our local online sk8shop and just the day before, i went to jp to film some more skate clips for my short sk8 video part. It's something that i'm working on & hopefully, it goes well.

owh yeah, this picture is taken last week on saturday. My class had a site visit to kg. Ayer & we went to this place which promotes tourism in a way. Anyways, this is some of my classmates.

Last but not least, selamat menyambut bulan ramadhan. (:

and it goes...

2010-07-29T20:33:00.002+08:00

is it weird if i say i talked to 2 of my cats a few minutes ago? Well, if it is, am i alone in this? If i am, i'll say "What the fuck?" & if it's not "Hey, i have a friend in the same boat."

Anyways, i missed having a really long conversation about how life goes, how it brings you up for a moment & how it all come crashing down in just a blink of an eye.

Owh yeah, i broke my board while attempting a trick off a launch ramp this afternoon at stadium mini park in bandar. Well, everything is temporary in this world, beats me, i guess nothing can actually last that long except the love for our god.

BUT for everything that passed by in my life, everything that is good, i'll keep it in this lil' box inside my head & it doesn't hurt to say those memories that are good do cherish you sometimes when you're alone; got nothing to do.

One of the things i hate is the fact that i need some time alone rather than being with my friends, don't get me wrong. I do love them but just that, i prefer to be by myself for once in awhile. Everybody does that, right?

On my way to kb, i remembered what a close friend of mine say to me...

"Bamm, you're not 18 anymore. You should be serious."

It goes that way but not exactly the same. This really MADE me think, it's good though to finally realize that it's time to let go for what holds you on. In my case, i don't know what it is but i think i'm ready to do that now.

I guess it's time to SERIOUSLY act my age inspite of the fact i missed being stupidly random all the time, i know i can do that but there's a voice inside of me telling that i should move on.

I wana say thank you to that "friend" for saying that & thank you for listening to me for all these time, you've been a great buddy. (: *waves.

And i still wonder if people do read blogposts? Doesn't matter anyway, At least i still have this lil' space to my own for now... Who knows what might happen next?

cheers.

):

2010-07-27T22:59:00.002+08:00

how a comment can...

upset you.

bring you down.

crush every little hope that makes you wana move forward.

make you feel like you don't belong to anywhere around you.

*waves.

(^_^)

2010-07-25T21:27:00.003+08:00

somehow buying this new beany yesterday in bandar made me happy. :D

ze bizatch is back. :D

2010-07-25T01:48:00.002+08:00

Roffy is back in BRUNEI! XD

Isa, Roffy, Adyy, ME, Lynz & Jehh.

"There's no reason to go astray..."

2010-07-23T13:00:00.007+08:00

after the great weekend last week... well, it wasn't that great but the friends were awesome. (:

...July came crashing down.

all the people around me are having problems. How i wish i can help but i knew i just can't. *sighs.

anyways, i think this is the turning point, AGAIN, in life where i should be ready for another downfall.

the thing is... i don't know if i can... cope...

:\

2010-07-16T23:50:00.004+08:00

Trying to find a place inside a lie...

Another year older seems like a burden but it's all good.

*nods.

17th July.

*smiles.

...not that much.

2010-07-16T22:29:00.004+08:00

the wonderment of life.

every time i tried to do something, it went wrong.

remarks that upsets a person can be heard every now and then.

good intentions turned to negativities.

from a third-person view, that is what i see.

even, telling a white lie can be such a burden.

when it comes to pleasing people, you just can't fulfill everyone's needs or to make them happy.

when you decide to left/choose one for the other, then, they'll probably say, you are not much in helping people out. Even though, you tried to explain the truth where in face to them, your truth is just an excuse to make them feel better.

as much as you hate it, sometimes, you gotta be selfish in order to be even. There's nothing you can do about it.

Stress, is not much a stranger here.

when the best option is running away and disappearing from everyone? what is there left to do?

how sad is that?

this is just me talking in general, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this all out. Maybe, you, readers, experience this too?

well, i'm glad to know that i have my own circle of friends... Good friends who understand me just enough to accept me for who i am despite how small i am as a person.

thank you.

*waves.

Kota Kinabalu.

2010-07-11T06:56:00.001+08:00

Lost in the midst of fast-flowing life with skyscraping urban gravestones.

when the week ends...

2010-07-11T06:43:00.002+08:00

so i tried to sleep around 6am but my mind was still moving.

all my life i live with a mental note that i should take good care of others' feelings before mine.

i'd, sometimes, push, involving myself into a hard time just to make people happy.

The feelings when people said, "thank you, You made my day. (:"... is just so... undescribable.

Being patient, sometimes, can be hard, to withstand everything that makes your nerves explode into a thousand shattering pieces.

wouldn't it be great when a "start" starts off with a smile & the "end" ends with a smile, too?

i know life would be dull without a few awful phases but, "what if?"

so far, things are great but they don't last that long like how it use to be.

or maybe, i am thinking too much 'coz i am sleep-deprive?

anyways, have a nice weekend.

*waves.

"Across The Ocean."

2010-06-20T01:32:00.004+08:00

"Say goodbye to the storms in the night,

Say goodbye to this beautiful sight,
Because we pieced it all together when it just felt right,
we pieced it all together when it just felt right..."

*wavesssssss.

"...and it just felt right."

2010-06-20T01:10:00.002+08:00

what i like about living in a world of our own is we can do whatever we want without caring anything at all except for ourselves.

June is almost coming to an end, well as for May it is almost a month old.

May was full with craps that i can not handle, i was down all the time to the extent i fucked up in college.

But i thank to god for a blessful June. (':

i made new friends, hanged around a lot with my bandmates, watched world cup w/ them dudes, got to go back to my hometown etc. but the best of all is the 2 weeks off from college. :D

Funny, i always thought of this "Too many things left to be done but there's not much time."

Basically, in 2 weeks a lot of things happened unexpectedly.

for every start has an ending, it's time to go back to where i left off 2 weeks before. *sighs.

Monday, i hate you.

Twisted up frown.

2010-06-03T04:41:00.001+08:00

meet Mr. Squishy. lol.

4.41am.

"Mellow beats ,Friends & Lovers."

2010-05-26T21:54:00.003+08:00

"As sad as it is, Good artists who die young seem to seal their legacy for eternity. It's a pattern you see often in history that just makes you wonder..." - random youtube user.

there's no need for me to elaborate more of the truthfulness of the statement above.

and i guess, it goes to anything good too as how Nelly sung in one of her songs "Why do all good things come to an end?"

if only i ever get to be as calm as this song...

appreciate all those around you & if things went bad, try to compromise & tolerate, insya'allah, life will be slightly better. After all, there will always be a day when we rise up high after an awful downfall, right?

cheers.

one of the most talented people on earth.

February 26, 2010, R.I.P Nujabes / Jun Seba.

"i'm not dead yet."

2010-05-26T16:48:00.002+08:00

Deeper and deeper...

Now we’re falling...

Faster and faster...

There’s nothing...

left.

Please wake me...

'coz this surely can’t be happening?

chomp on this.

2010-05-23T23:18:00.003+08:00

This google thingy REALLY amuses me. haha. :p

pacman rules?

"I stand broken..."

2010-05-23T15:43:00.002+08:00

22th may 2010 - 11.04pm.

I wonder why I constantly think that I am content with emptiness…

Haven’t I got what I wanted? Yes? No?

We may say we’ve got our families & friends but sometimes, as selfish as it seems, there’s always this feeling deep inside of us (or maybe just… :\ me?) of wanting to be left alone at all cost.

Sometimes, I’d keep myself quiet just to let it all fade away rather than talk about it out loud.

I decided to do so because I am sick of people saying that I should do this, I should do that where they don’t even fucking understand. Yes, we all have issues but then, why should they fucking compare & differentiate telling me that they are the one who actually has “Real” problems. I don’t really mind but it fucked my mind (upset?) when they say “teruk lagi aku eh dari kau eh.”, I mean, what is that all about? It’s always been that way, have always been. :\

Thanks to someone just now for fucking up my mood.

It is so overwhelming when you got pressured by a problem one after another; it’s like carrying a burden similar to a thousand penetrating razorblades to your fucking mind.

Isn’t that a very ridiculous exaggeration? -_-“

Can I live a day without worries? Please? ‘coz I am trying very hard to cope life & I don’t have no one to talk to right now. ):

“How many times that you watched me fall just to smile?”

Nyeh. I’d probably just kick back, relax, enjoy my time that I have left & let these cancer sticks bury me 6 feet underground.

“Rise up, rise up, never fall.”

Have a nice weekend everyone.

“Keep your eyes focused this time.”

11.46pm.

"sometimes..."

2010-05-22T15:03:00.002+08:00

There's no need for me to say more, right?

*a twisted up frown.

The King Of Slacking.

2010-05-19T02:54:00.002+08:00

We all know his silliness but i think, There are some truths in the "caption".

"a gloomy weekend."

2010-05-16T23:15:00.005+08:00

i was supposed to go back to bandar this late afternoon but then, i fell asleep while reading archie in the living room. I guess it explains why i am tired 'coz I went back to kb last night around 3.30am after attending a bbq birthday party for one of my classmates. it was fun though i didn't really enjoy my time that much 'coz something is bothering me. :\ i feel bad for not participating the enjoyment my friend had but at least, i showed up, right? hehe.

This is some of us playing poker, i'm the one with the hoody. *points down.

and seriously, i need to go out often 'coz it is very dull staying in your room for the whole weekdays watching movies on your own & in my case, i watched "f.r.i.e.n.d.s". it's kinda watching the whole season on repeat. Sad to say, i don't have a life at the moment. *sighs.

Well, it's been a busy week 'coz all of my assignments are due at the end of this month. -_-"

okay, this is just a random update 'coz i just feel like it.

*waves.

what the fork?

2010-05-10T06:27:00.003+08:00

Dear Monday,

I didn't sleep at all last night. -_-"

bye.

"I can't think 'coz i'm just way too tired." - The strokes.

edited;

it's 2.55pm & the word "sleep", so far, is not in my dictionary. Yeay? -_-"

"...it's pitch dark."

2010-05-05T23:59:00.004+08:00

i think...

i have a problem with...

you..

not.

my right eye.

:\

edited:

both eyes. wtf. :\

if...

2010-05-05T23:07:00.004+08:00

Just a thought...

"Is it silly, going back to a same place over and over again just in hope to find something which is familiar?"

If it is, i have my own reason then. hehe. One can never hurt to wish, hope & dream, right? (:

Anyways, i learnt that my younger brother is selling his electric guitar so, i won't be playing anything for now. BOREDOM. so, to fill that in, i make vocal covers of various bands in my itunes.

a cover from Miss May I. *points down.